"Old Jokes" drabbles by Christopher

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Mr. Divot

Old Jokes #20

Mr. Divot was one of the crabbiest old men we had at the country club, and he always picked me as his caddie. I knew nothing about him except he was rich and was a prick.

We were on the 18th green one day, right by the highway, and Mr. Divot saw a funeral procession passing. He stopped, took off his hat, and bowed his head. Afterward he resumed his game.

"That's a very kind gesture, Mr. Divot," I said.

"Well, it's the least I could do," he responded. "After all, I was married to her the past forty years!"

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The Parrot

Old Jokes #19

A man spots a parrot on the street and stops and puts it in his car. He then sees a patrolman and asks, "Officer, I found this parrot on the street. What should I do with him?"

"Take him to the zoo," the officer replied.

So the man did.

The next day the officer spots the man at a Stop sign with the parrot on the seat next to him.

"I thought you were going to take him to the zoo."

"I did," the man replied. "And we had so much fun that today I'm taking him to the beach!"

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Old Jokes #18

Bill stopped in to Harry's Diner for a quick lunch.

The place looked very shabby as he walked in but he sat down anyway.

""What'll it be, stranger?" the waitress asked.

"Uh, I'll have a hamburger, please."

"One hamburger, Harry!" she yelled.

Harry, an aptly named burly fellow, grabbed a hunk of raw hamburger meat, shoved it under his armpit, flapped his arm to flatten the patty, then threw it on the grill.

"That's disgusting!" Bill exclaimed.

"That's nothing," the waitress said. "If you want to see something really disgusting be here in the morning when he's making the doughnuts!"

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With Keemosabes Like This...

Old Jokes #17

The Lone Ranger stopped while riding on the trail to relieve himself in the bushes and was bitten in the end of his wanker by a rattlesnake. He sent his Indian companion Tonto into the nearest town to find out from the doctor what should be done.

After getting beaten up and almost lynched in town Tonto finally made it to the doctor's office, who told Tonto to suck out the venom where the victim was bitten.

When he returned a panicky Lone Ranger asked, "What did the doctor say, Tonto?"

Tonto replied, "Doctor say Lone Ranger going to die!"

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Bigger In Texas

Old Jokes #16

Grandpa was so excited to finally have his little granddaughter Elizabeth coming to Texas to stay at his ranch for the whole summer.

When she arrived he spent the first day walking hand-in-hand with Elizabeth, showing her around the ranch.

When they got to the cow pasture Elizabeth began to giggle uncontrollably.

Grandpa asked, "What's so funny?"

Elizabeth pointed to a fly perched on the top of a mound of cow dung and said as she continued to giggle, "I know that they say everything is done bigger in Texas but did that fly really do all that?!"

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Old Jokes #15

There once was a gal named Hortense
The size of whose breasts was immense
One day playing soccer
Out popped her left knocker
And she kicked it right over the fence

There once was a golfer from Boston
Who drove all around in his Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung outside and he lost 'em

There once was a young man named Carter
Who was known as a fabulous farter
With only one bean
He'd toot "God Save The Queen"
And would encore with the "Moonlight Sonata"

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Quickies - The Sequel

Old Jokes #14

Did you hear about the plastic surgeon? He hung himself!
Did you hear about the gigolo with leprosy? Business fell off!
Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as fast as Rudolph. He just couldn't stop as fast.
Two lesbians are talking intensely in a bar. One said, "Let me be frank."

The other one said, "Wait, I thought it was my turn tonight!"
Here's to knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzin
Who fell in love with Samantha, his bow-legged cousin
Some people say that love finds a way
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn't

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Leaving Home

Old Jokes #13

Little Johnny is walking down the road with a small suitcase. His neighbor at the end of the street sees him and yells, "Hey, Johnny! Where are you going?"

Johnny lugs his suitcase over to his neighbor's yard.

"I'm running away from home," he replied, breathless.

"Whatever for?" his neighbor asked.

"Well," Johnny said as he set his suitcase down on the ground, "last night I got up to get a drink of water and passed my parents' bedroom. My dad yelled I'm pulling out! and Mom yelled I'm coming too! Well, they're not sticking me with that mortgage payment!"

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Adultery Humor

Old Jokes #12

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. She screams, "You promised me you'd stop cheating on me! You promised!"

The husband replied sheepishly, "Well, you have to admit, darling, I'm tapering off."

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. He grabs his shotgun and cocks it. The naked adulterer stands up on the bed.

"Boy," the irate husband yells, "I'm gonna blow your balls off!"

The frightened man begins shaking and screams, "Hey, give me a chance!"

"Okay," the husband says with a grin, "swing 'em!"

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Old Jokes #11

Here are a few quickies for your reading pleasure:

What's the difference between an old cat and a kitten? An old cat can scratch and claw but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant in a Volkswagen? Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other is a great year!

Why is a submarine like a penis? They are both long and hard and full of seamen.

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Logically Speaking... (2/2)

Old Jokes #10

"...logically speaking you have a family."

"That's right!"

"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."

"You're right! Wow, you found all that out just because I own a weed whacker!"

"Well, that's what logic is," the Dean responded.

Tom runs back to the bar to see Bob.

"Bob!" he shouts. "I just signed up for a class in Logic."

"Logic?" Bob asks. "What's that?"

Tom says, "Here's an example. Do you own a weed whacker?"

Bob says, "No, I don't."

"Then you're gay."

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Logically Speaking... (1/2)

Old Jokes #10

Tom and Bob are talking in a bar.

Tom says, "Gotta run. I'm signing up for some college courses, and I have an appointment with the Dean."

Tom meets with the Dean of Admissions, who explains the classes available.

"History, Math, Science, and Logic."

"Logic?" Tom asks. "What's that?"

"Here's an example. Do you own a weed whacker?"

Tom said, "Yes."

"Well, if you own a weed whacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean continued.

"Yes, I do!"

"Then you own a big house."

Tom said, "Yes, I do!"

"And if you own a big house, then..."

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Going South

Old Jokes #9

A bird was late flying south for the winter and got ice on his wings. He crashed into a cow pasture. He was frozen and shivering. A cow came along, crapping on him. The heat from the cow patty thawed his wings out. He began singing. A cat heard the singing and pulled the bird from the patty and promptly ate him.

The moral:

Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

Not everyone who pulls you out of the shit is your friend.

And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

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The Golden Toilet

Old Jokes #8

Bill was telling a co-worker about a party he'd attended over the previous weekend.

"I got drunk and can't remember the house, but I remember they had a golden toilet!"

He decided on his way home to canvass the neighborhood and see if he could find that house. He knocked on door after door, asking, "Do you have a golden toilet?"

After having many doors slammed in his face he finally got a reply.

"Do you have a golden toilet?"

The woman who answered the door yelled back inside, "Hey, Ernie! Here's the schmuck that shit in your tuba!"

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A New Record

Old Jokes #7

Katie was fanatical about new music. She listened to the radio every morning to hear the latest sounds.

One morning she heard a catchy new record, "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She knew she had to have it. She called the record store to see if it was in yet, but in her haste dialed the wrong number and got an auto mechanic's shop.

"Yeah," the guy answered.

"Do you have 'Two Lips and Seven Kisses?'" Katie asked.

"No, I've got two balls and six inches."

"Is that a new record?" she asked.

The mechanic replied, "No, it's about average!"

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Rabbit Test

Old Jokes #6

A man walks into a bar holding a rabbit. He sets the rabbit on the bar, ordering a beer. The rabbit proceeds to drop a load onto the bar. The bartender tells him he can't have that animal in there and to leave.

The man leaves as an obnoxious guy enters, yelling "Gimme a beer, barkeep!"

He sees the rabbit pellets as he sits down.

"What are these?" he asks.

"Smart pills," the bartender says.

"Can I try one?"

"Knock yourself out."

He pops one in his mouth, saying, "This tastes like shit!"

The bartender smiles, "You're getting smarter already!"

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Sigmund Fraud

Old Jokes #5

A psychiatrist was trying out a new system he'd read about. He approached three women in the waiting room, each of whom was sitting with their child.

The doctor looked at the first woman.

"You are obsessed with food and that's why you named your child Candy."

She nodded.

He looked at the second woman.

"You are obsessed with money and that's why you named your child Penny."

She nodded.

The third woman looked irate and yelled, "This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."

She grabbed her son's arm and said, "Let's get out of here, Dick!"

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Origins of Man

Old Jokes #4

A little girl asked her mother how the human race began.

"Well," her mother replied, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, so everyone comes from them."

The next day she asked her father the same question.

"Human beings evolved from apes," was his response.

Confused, she went back to her mother.

"Mommy," she said, "how is it that you told me that man was created by God and Daddy told me man came from apes?"

"Well," her mother said, grinning, "I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his side!"

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Old Jokes #3

The new pastor was coming for Sunday dinner. Little Johnny didn't understand what all the fuss was about. But he washed up and went to the table.

After saying grace, his father asked Johnny what he wanted to eat.

"I want some of those damned peas!" Johnny replied.

His father snatched him up, took him to the other room and spanked him.

He brought him back to the table and asked him what he wanted.

Johnny looked slowly around the table and said, "Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as hell don't want any of those damned peas!"

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Fashion Statement

Old Jokes #2

Jean and Barbara lived in Shady Acres, South Florida's premier retirement home. They were always trying to get the attention of Tom and Phil, two distinguished old gentlemen who sat on a bench in the community's park every day. Each day the ladies would get all dressed up, parading themselves in front of the men. Nothing. One day, Jean hit upon an idea.

"Let's run by in front of them totally naked."

The next day they did.

After they went by Tom asked Phil what they were wearing today.

"I don't know," Phil said, "but it damn sure needed ironing!"