"Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World" drabbles by Christopher
Bud Light
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
Anheuser-Busch really stepped in it this time. After making transgender activist Dylan Mulvaney the spokesman, er woman, er person, for their new Bud Light ad campaign, they've lost 5 billion dollars in market value. Talk about not knowing your core consumers.
Now...I'm all for everyone being what makes them happy...And I'm all for corporations choosing who they like to advertise their businesses...And I'm for consumers deciding not to patronize those businesses based on those choices.
But...To all the men who boycotted this...If you were drinking Bud Light to begin with you were halfway down the road to womanhood yourself!
Boxing
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
I hate boxing. If I want to sit and watch two people deliberately try to hurt each other I'll go home and visit my parents. And ultimate fighting and mixed martial arts are even worse. You'd get arrested if you did that on a street corner.
Yep, quite a society we've built for ourselves. We have no qualms with watching two guys try to change the structure of each other's faces, but we call cock fighting barbaric. We have more sympathy for two creatures whose ultimate destination is a cardboard box with Col. Sanders' picture on the side of it.
The Prism of Politics
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
What happened to the world? You used to go your whole life living beside your neighbor and never knowing how they voted, because people didn't talk about politics.
Now that's all they talk about. Families argue on holiday get-togethers, friends argue at backyard barbeques, each side thinking they're dead right and the other is dead wrong.
Light passing through a prism bends, and the different colors that make up white light are separated, because each color has its own wavelength and bends at a different angle.
We all become separated when we view everything through the prism of politics.
Conspiracy Theorist
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
People call me a conspiracy theorist because I question things. Years ago, we were taught to be inquisitive. Somewhere along the line, though, the question everything crowd went from being celebrated to being demonized.
Conspiracy Theory's etymology can be traced back to at least 1870, but the term didn't enter the modern lexicon until it was used to discredit those questioning the US government's official narrative of JFK's assassination. If there's one thing we've learned about that day it's that it didn't happen the way the government said it did.
Remember, Noah was a conspiracy theorist too...until it started raining.
Not Karen For This Pandemic
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
So this morbidly obese bitch yells at me in a store today because I wasn't wearing a mask. Here was the conversation:
"You should respect people around you! I don't want to get sick and die!"
"Really? Then why don't you lose some weight? You're on the shortlist for an early death, toots, and a pandemic has nothing to do with it!"
"What? How dare you!"
"No, really. The only virus you're suffering from is an advanced case of spoon-in-mouth disease! And if you keep sticking that bulbous nose where it doesn't belong you may die by homicide!"
Masks
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
Ya know, I'm not big on wearing masks. I'm not a superhero, I'm not a professional wrestler, and I'm not a bank robber.
But, if we have to wear one AT LEAST WEAR IT RIGHT! I see dumb asses every day with the mask over their mouth but tucked under their nose.
That's a bit like wearing a condom over your testicles.
At least those that choose not to wear a mask at all have pushed all their chips to the middle of the table. I can respect that.
What I can't respect is a half-assed half-mask wearer.
The Ghosts of Ice Cream Trucks
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
Now that spring has sprung I've been spending some time sitting by the open window, looking out at my green lawn. I kept hearing this tinkling, musical sound off in the distance, like an audible apparition of a bygone era where ice cream trucks would come through your neighborhood and you'd beg your father for a dollar so you could run out to the street and get a cool, refreshing ice cream on a warm day. This thought swept me away several days in a row.
Then I realized it's the wind chime hanging on my dumb ass neighbor's porch!
Sick Fvcks
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
This world is a sick place. I don't mean from a global pandemic, I mean this world is full of truly disgusting people.
I've been on social media. I don't care what your political stance is, wishing UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson would succumb to the coronavirus at the same time bemoaning the fact that US President Donald Trump hasn't already died from it is truly sick.
We all have political opinions and people we don't like, but it takes the worst demonic flatulence ever farted out of the bowels of hell to wish someone would die from this virus.
Social Distancing
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
I've been practicing social distancing for a long time now. Mostly because I just HATE people! And that's not discriminatory. I hate everyone regardless of race, gender, religion, sexual orientation or any other fruity thing you may be involved in.
I haven't been to a concert since July 1995 (White Zombie). I haven't been to the movies since January 1998 (Tomorrow Never Dies). Social distancing is old hat to me.
One more reason for keeping social distancing a priority in my life:
Who the hell needs a global pandemic to be reminded that you need to WASH YOUR FRIGGING HANDS?!
Paging Dr. Hedd...
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
A word from Dr. Hedd:
"There are two genders: male and female. Anything else, such as hermaphrodites, etc, are an aberration and not the norm. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and any other gender you concoct is from Uranus.
"Now, onto the psychological aspect: people that think they are one person born in another person's body are suffering from SCHIZOPHRENIA!
"That's my diagnosis. Take two aspirins and don't call me in the morning!"
The views and opinions expressed by Dick Hedd do not necessarily reflect those of the management of this Drablr page (although they probably do!)
J-Ho
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
I tune in last night to watch the Super Bowl. My team, the Chiefs, hadn't been there in 50 years. They won. Needless to say, I was ecstatic.
My problem was the halftime show. Don't even get me started on all the Illuminati imagery that was pervasive throughout. I'll just stick with the performance, which was purely out of a strip club. J-Ho, excuse me, J-Lo, swinging around half naked on a stripper pole with another slut, Shakira, thrown in for good measure.
I could've watched the game at the local titty bar and gotten the same effect.
Gun Control
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
Let me get this straight, liberals:
You're always spouting off about cops gunning down unarmed black men in the street & said we should fry the pigs like bacon. Now, you want to take everyone's guns away & put the security of ourselves and our families into the hands of the very same police you were deriding as corrupt and evil? The very same police that sat outside that school in Parkland and let kids get gunned down by a psycho? Do you not realize how contradictory and moronic you sound? Of course you don't. Because you're stupid liberal twats.
The San Francisco Treat
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
Rather than being concerned with feces in the streets or rampant homelessness or a skyrocketing crime rate, liberal city officials in San Francisco are engaging in their own brand of Orwellian Newspeak. They are rebranding "convicted felons" with the more whitewashed term "justice-involved persons."
Yes, that's right. Convicted pedophiles, rapists, and murderers are now just unfortunate souls who were involved in the justice system. So, don't try to get at the root of what puts folks in prison, let's just give them a shiny new title, like previously owned car instead of used.
Elections have consequences, San Francisco voters.
Gay Pride Parades
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
I was trying to get downtown today and got held up by a gay pride parade.
Look, dude, I'm glad you're proud of who you are and that you like to sleep with your little boyfriend but is it really necessary to make a public nuisance and spectacle of yourself?
Having parades based on who you like to sleep with is asinine. Some people like to sleep with hookers, let's have a Hooker Pride Parade.
I like to sleep alone. I think I'll go to the courthouse and get a permit to have a parade featuring only ME!
Dumb asses...
Freak Shows
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
We used to put freaks in the circus, and you'd pay money to go into a tent and point and laugh at them. Those days are gone. You can't find a decent freak in a circus to save your life anymore. Maybe that's because they're now a part of society. I swear I saw a woman with a beard in Walmart the other day. And if you want to see the tattooed lady just spin your ass around because those ho's are friggin' everywhere!
I miss the good ole' days of mercilessly teasing social deviants until they retreat into isolation.
Kiss My....
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
What's up with KISS? I grew up loving that band, but man, those guys are like eighty. Senior citizens wearing Kabuki makeup and singing "I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day." That would kill those geezers. And that wouldn't leave much time for napping and watching Wheel Of Fortune. They should trade those big boots in for a pair of orthopedic shoes. They should be singing "I wanna soak my dentures all night and play checkers every day." Someone please get these guys the complete series of Matlock on DVD and a case of prune juice.
My Old Man (by Dick Hedd)
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
My old man hated me. He'd say, "I'd shoot you but you're not worth the bullet it would take to blow your pea brains out!" He used to rent me out to gun clubs as a human target. He once told me, "You could market yourself as a laxative because you sure irritate the shit out of me!" But I got the last laugh. He was getting absentminded in his old age, so I drove him out of town and left him on the docks with a note pinned to him saying, "Hello, sailors! Come and get it, big boys!"
My Mother (by Dick Hedd)
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
My mother never wanted kids. I'm lucky she had me. I asked her once if I could have a brother or sister and she said, "I'd rather get a gynecological exam from Edward Scissorhands." When the neighborhood kids' baseball came over our fence, instead of throwing it back to them she threw a live hand grenade. On Halloween instead of giving candy, she would spray the trick-or-treaters with a fire extinguisher. But the joke's on her. I stuck her old ass in a rest home. Now and then I send her a postcard saying, "Wish you were here!"
Tattoos (by Dick Hedd)
Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World
What's with so many people these days getting tattoos all over their bodies? It's like an idiot epidemic. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea: let's permanently scribble cartoons and stupid phrases on our skin. You would do better to take a Sharpie and write "I'm A Dumbass" across your forehead. The words would eventually wear off, but unfortunately you'd still be a dumbass. It used to be the only people that got tattoos were guys in the Navy. Now, kids so young are getting them that if they were in the Navy their commanding officer would be Cap'n Crunch.
