"Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World" drabbles by Christopher

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The Ghosts of Ice Cream Trucks

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

Now that spring has sprung I've been spending some time sitting by the open window, looking out at my green lawn. I kept hearing this tinkling, musical sound off in the distance, like an audible apparition of a bygone era where ice cream trucks would come through your neighborhood and you'd beg your father for a dollar so you could run out to the street and get a cool, refreshing ice cream on a warm day. This thought swept me away several days in a row.

Then I realized it's the wind chime hanging on my dumb ass neighbor's porch!

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Sick Fvcks

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

This world is a sick place. I don't mean from a global pandemic, I mean this world is full of truly disgusting people.

I've been on social media. I don't care what your political stance is, wishing UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson would succumb to the coronavirus at the same time bemoaning the fact that US President Donald Trump hasn't already died from it is truly sick.

We all have political opinions and people we don't like, but it takes the worst demonic flatulence ever farted out of the bowels of hell to wish someone would die from this virus.

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Social Distancing

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

I've been practicing social distancing for a long time now. Mostly because I just HATE people! And that's not discriminatory. I hate everyone regardless of race, gender, religion, sexual orientation or any other fruity thing you may be involved in.

I haven't been to a concert since July 1995 (White Zombie). I haven't been to the movies since January 1998 (Tomorrow Never Dies). Social distancing is old hat to me.

One more reason for keeping social distancing a priority in my life:

Who the hell needs a global pandemic to be reminded that you need to WASH YOUR FRIGGING HANDS?!

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Paging Dr. Hedd...

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

A word from Dr. Hedd:

"There are two genders: male and female. Anything else, such as hermaphrodites, etc, are an aberration and not the norm. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and any other gender you concoct is from Uranus.

"Now, onto the psychological aspect: people that think they are one person born in another person's body are suffering from SCHIZOPHRENIA!

"That's my diagnosis. Take two aspirins and don't call me in the morning!"

The views and opinions expressed by Dick Hedd do not necessarily reflect those of the management of this Drablr page (although they probably do!)

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J-Ho

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

I tune in last night to watch the Super Bowl. My team, the Chiefs, hadn't been there in 50 years. They won. Needless to say, I was ecstatic.

My problem was the halftime show. Don't even get me started on all the Illuminati imagery that was pervasive throughout. I'll just stick with the performance, which was purely out of a strip club. J-Ho, excuse me, J-Lo, swinging around half naked on a stripper pole with another slut, Shakira, thrown in for good measure.

I could've watched the game at the local titty bar and gotten the same effect.

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Gun Control

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

Let me get this straight, liberals:

You're always spouting off about cops gunning down unarmed black men in the street & said we should fry the pigs like bacon. Now, you want to take everyone's guns away & put the security of ourselves and our families into the hands of the very same police you were deriding as corrupt and evil? The very same police that sat outside that school in Parkland and let kids get gunned down by a psycho? Do you not realize how contradictory and moronic you sound? Of course you don't. Because you're stupid liberal twats.

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The San Francisco Treat

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

Rather than being concerned with feces in the streets or rampant homelessness or a skyrocketing crime rate, liberal city officials in San Francisco are engaging in their own brand of Orwellian Newspeak. They are rebranding "convicted felons" with the more whitewashed term "justice-involved persons."

Yes, that's right. Convicted pedophiles, rapists, and murderers are now just unfortunate souls who were involved in the justice system. So, don't try to get at the root of what puts folks in prison, let's just give them a shiny new title, like previously owned car instead of used.

Elections have consequences, San Francisco voters.

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Gay Pride Parades

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

I was trying to get downtown today and got held up by a gay pride parade.

Look, dude, I'm glad you're proud of who you are and that you like to sleep with your little boyfriend but is it really necessary to make a public nuisance and spectacle of yourself?

Having parades based on who you like to sleep with is asinine. Some people like to sleep with hookers, let's have a Hooker Pride Parade.

I like to sleep alone. I think I'll go to the courthouse and get a permit to have a parade featuring only ME!

Dumb asses...

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Freak Shows

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

We used to put freaks in the circus, and you'd pay money to go into a tent and point and laugh at them. Those days are gone. You can't find a decent freak in a circus to save your life anymore. Maybe that's because they're now a part of society. I swear I saw a woman with a beard in Walmart the other day. And if you want to see the tattooed lady just spin your ass around because those ho's are friggin' everywhere!

I miss the good ole' days of mercilessly teasing social deviants until they retreat into isolation.

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Kiss My....

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

What's up with KISS? I grew up loving that band, but man, those guys are like eighty. Senior citizens wearing Kabuki makeup and singing "I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day." That would kill those geezers. And that wouldn't leave much time for napping and watching Wheel Of Fortune. They should trade those big boots in for a pair of orthopedic shoes. They should be singing "I wanna soak my dentures all night and play checkers every day." Someone please get these guys the complete series of Matlock on DVD and a case of prune juice.

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My Old Man (by Dick Hedd)

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

My old man hated me. He'd say, "I'd shoot you but you're not worth the bullet it would take to blow your pea brains out!" He used to rent me out to gun clubs as a human target. He once told me, "You could market yourself as a laxative because you sure irritate the shit out of me!" But I got the last laugh. He was getting absentminded in his old age, so I drove him out of town and left him on the docks with a note pinned to him saying, "Hello, sailors! Come and get it, big boys!"

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My Mother (by Dick Hedd)

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

My mother never wanted kids. I'm lucky she had me. I asked her once if I could have a brother or sister and she said, "I'd rather get a gynecological exam from Edward Scissorhands." When the neighborhood kids' baseball came over our fence, instead of throwing it back to them she threw a live hand grenade. On Halloween instead of giving candy, she would spray the trick-or-treaters with a fire extinguisher. But the joke's on her. I stuck her old ass in a rest home. Now and then I send her a postcard saying, "Wish you were here!"

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Tattoos (by Dick Hedd)

Dick Hedd The Most Opinionated Man In The World

What's with so many people these days getting tattoos all over their bodies? It's like an idiot epidemic. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea: let's permanently scribble cartoons and stupid phrases on our skin. You would do better to take a Sharpie and write "I'm A Dumbass" across your forehead. The words would eventually wear off, but unfortunately you'd still be a dumbass. It used to be the only people that got tattoos were guys in the Navy. Now, kids so young are getting them that if they were in the Navy their commanding officer would be Cap'n Crunch.