My Old Man (by Dick Hedd)

My old man hated me. He'd say, "I'd shoot you but you're not worth the bullet it would take to blow your pea brains out!" He used to rent me out to gun clubs as a human target. He once told me, "You could market yourself as a laxative because you sure irritate the shit out of me!" But I got the last laugh. He was getting absentminded in his old age, so I drove him out of town and left him on the docks with a note pinned to him saying, "Hello, sailors! Come and get it, big boys!"