"Berserko the Clown" drabbles by Christopher

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Trannysaurus Rex

Berserko the Clown

Berserko was hired to perform at a club called Fluid. He arrived and set up. He thought the women were quite ugly, then noticed stubble on one of their chins.

"Wait a minute! Is this one of those trans-testicle clubs? I'm not performing here!" he said, gathering his things.

A voice yelled, "Get Rex from the back!"

A huge black man in a pink mini-skirt and a long red wig approached Berserko and said, "You cashed our check. D'you perform or do I take our money back outta yo' ass?"

Berserko smiled, turned and started making balloon animals.

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Pearly Whites And Family Jewels

Berserko the Clown

Berserko hated going to the dentist. But he had a bad tooth that he couldn't ignore anymore and finally made the appointment.

He sweated nervously in the waiting room, white makeup on his face running.

He eventually got back to see the dentist, who examined and x-rayed him.

"Well, Mr. Berserko, I'm afraid that tooth's going to have to be extracted."

Berserko winced and then said "Okay, doc" as he reached down and grabbed a handful of the doctor's gonads.

"But, you're holding my testicles," the doctor said.

Berserko grinned, "And we're not gonna hurt each other, are we?"

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Peers Of A Clown

Berserko the Clown

Berserko walked into the gymnasium of his old school for his 30th high school reunion. He skipped the 10th and 20th and was going to skip this one but he heard his old sweetheart was recently divorced and he thought he might rekindle the romance.

But he quickly realizes his mistake when he's jilted by his former girlfriend and ostracized by the entire graduating class. They laugh and make honking noises as he leaves.

But Berserko wasn't letting it go. He sealed all the exits from the outside and then set the gym on fire.

Who's laughing now? he thought.

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Berserko's Tweets (3/3)

Berserko the Clown

Outside Berserko the Clown's house.
2:34 PM 23 Apr 2020

Cops repeatedly knock on the door.

"Mr. Berserko? Can you hear me? We had a report that you insinuated on social media you were going to take your life. Are you okay?"

Silence.

"Break the door down, Harrison," the cop said.

The door splintered and broke away. They rushed in to find Berserko on his couch, a bottle of pills on the coffee table. The paramedics rushed in.

Berserko jerked awake, "What the hell is going on? Can't a man take a couple of Tylenol PM's and sleep in peace??!!"

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Berserko's Tweets (2/3)

Berserko the Clown

I'm goin' stir crazy
12:33 AM 18 Apr 2020

My neighbor sounds like he's having a party. That bastard isn't following the protocols.
1:37 AM 18 Apr 2020

Broke the social distancing guidelines by barging into my neighbor's house and punching him in the face and then running his party guests off with a garden hose
3:48 AM 18 Apr 2020

Been away a few days. Feeling very depressed
9:34 PM 21 Apr 2020

Can't take this anymore
7:31 PM 22 Apr 2020

Just toook some pillls. Neeed to shhut the world off Goood byee
11:37 PM 22 Apr 2020

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Berserko's Tweets (1/3)

Berserko the Clown

Quarantine is driving me up the frigging wall
1:32 AM 15 Apr 2020

Had to sign up online for unemployment today. Never done that in my life
8:57 PM 15 Apr 2020

I miss performing for the kids and seeing the tears streaming down their faces from...laughter
12:38 AM 16 Apr 2020

How much longer are we going to shut the f*cking world down over a virus?
6:21 PM 16 Apr 2020

Went in the backyard and started shooting at squirrels with rubber bands and the little bastards formed an attack group and jumped me!
7:23 PM 17 Apr 2020

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Clown Car

Berserko The Clown

Berserko the Clown drove his 1971 Volkswagen Beetle downtown to renew his driver's license. He parked on the street and got out as a man kept staring at him and the car. Berserko started down the block. The man kept staring intently at the car. Berserko rounded the corner and then looked back. The man still stared at the car.

Annoyed, Berserko walked back, approaching the man.

"Got a problem, pal?" Berserko asked.

He replied, "I was just waiting to see if more clowns came out of this car."

Berserko kneed him in the nuts and went on his way.

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Rabid

Berserko the Clown

Berserko the Clown's house was in a decent neighborhood. His biggest problem was his next-door-neighbor, Butch.

Butch had a Rottweiler that barked constantly. Berserko had repeatedly asked Butch to silence the dog.

Fed up, Berserko took three tabs of Alka-Seltzer and a bottle of hot sauce into Butch's backyard, dumping them into the dog's water bowl and watching it fizz. He saw the dog take a drink, then foam at the mouth and squeal from the hot sauce.

Five minutes later, back at home watching Lassie, Berserko heard a scream and a shotgun blast from next door.

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No Laughing Matter

Berserko the Clown

Berserko the Clown was just finishing up his routine for a room full of kids. There was nervous laughter. The kids looked frightened.

"Thanks so much, kids," Berserko said in a psychotic voice.

He started packing away his props while addressing the room full of silent children.

"You're lucky to have someone who cares enough to entertain you. I wasn't so lucky when I was a child...
wasn't...so...lucky...," he said as his thoughts trailed off.

"See you next time, and remember, kids, comedy is no laughing matter!"

He closed the door, leaving the sobbing, terrified children chained to the wall.