Here's Lou Keemeeya to speak for the Terminal Tobacco Company, makers of Endemall Cigarettes...
"Friends and fellow smokers, don't let fear mongering deprive you of one of the last true joys in life. Just because our cigarettes have more tar in them than the pits of La Brea is no reason to stop smoking. Extensive tests were done by our own team of physicians, led by leading expert Dr. Nick O'Teen, and found that smoking is no more dangerous than jumping into a pool of sharks while hemorrhaging."
Endemall. You've got one life, enjoy it...at least what's left of it!
Here's Shakespearean stage actor Dick Turban to speak for Sheep Gut Condoms:
"Is it not strange that sheep's guts should hale souls out of men’s
bodies? I uttered that line as Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing. Another use for sheep guts back in the day was that of contraception. Yes, they made reusable condoms out of sheep guts. Use it, wash it out, dry it, and use it again. If your ancestors had availed themselves of this method you might not even be here to try them! Put a lid on procreation the Victorian way with Sheep Gut Condoms!"
Hello. Although we doubt anyone will show up, we would like to invite everyone to our annual National Association of Yammering Skeptics convention, supposedly being held in the ballroom of the Dubious Hotel.
N.A.Y.S. was allegedly founded by Shirley Knott, although no evidence has surfaced that she ever actually existed.
N.A.Y.S. reportedly has over one million members, though no one has been able to substantiate that claim.
Rumor has it that legendary punk band The Puking Cynics will be performing, but that sounds rather suspicious to me.
Please come, reservations aren't needed. God knows we already have enough of those...
Now here's hip-hop star extraordinaire 'Lil Hemmroyd to speak for Omega Laxatives...
"Yo yo yo! 'Lil Hemmroyd here! There ain't nuthin' worse than being in the middle of a rap battle and having yo' creative forces be blocked. Da same can be said fo' yo' bowels. Now I can roll a big spliff and get my creativity flowing again, but dat don't help my ass, you feel me? Dat's why every alpha male needs Omega Laxatives. Pop one of deez 'lil chocolate squares in yo' mouth and you'll be goin' in no time!"
Omega Laxatives...Shit's about to get real!
20th Century Fux proudly presents:
Rod Steele as Dick Long, a man arrested for a crime he didn't commit...
Harry Bawls as the arresting officer, with a pistol no one wanted to cross...
Sandy Slit as the prosecuting attorney. Everyone loved her oral arguments...
Candy Slutstack as the Judge, who dispensed her own brand of justice...
The trial was unorthodox and shocking, but no one expected it to end in a... Hung Jury!
Written and directed by I.M. Purvurted.
"Coming" soon to a theatre near you. Check local listings for details. Rated D for Disgusting. No one under 69 admitted.
Reuniting for a special engagement, it's everyone's favorite comedy team from the 1950's....Grinn and Barrett! Yes, the comedic legends are back together again for a 10-night stand at Seizure's Palace in glamorous Lost Wages, Nevada!
Bill Grinn, 93, and Stan Barrett, 91, are poised and ready to unleash their outdated and severely politically incorrect comedy on the modern world. Classic routines like "Jews on First" and "Manual Labor was a Mexican" will be sure to raise an inappropriate smile.
Reserve your tickets today, because these old dinosaurs may not be around tomorrow!
And be sure to Grinn and Barrett!
Here's a word from Serf City...
"Let's go serfing now
Everybody's learning how
Come on a safari with meeee!"
"It's a serfing safari at everyone's favorite Middle Ages theme park dedicated to preserving feudalism! Live life the medieval way at Serf City! Thrill at the futility of life while enjoying institutionalized slavery! Eke out a meager existence while toiling in the fields for the lord of the manor! Harvest crops, dig ditches, and repair fences all while enjoying the yoke of bondage! All of this and much more can be yours with a purchase of a ticket to Serf City!"
"Hey, friends. Will Conya here, manager of the Bait-And-Switch Market. Seen our advertisement in the Sunday paper offering prime rib at 49¢ a pound? Well, we're fresh outta that but we have prime emu meat that's every bit as good and only slightly more at $3.68 an ounce.
"That 4k LED Smart TV? Well, they didn't come in on the truck, but we have a 13" black-and-white television set you'll love, and only costs a smidgen more than the smart TV.
"Take a ride down to Bait-And-Switch Market and get taken for a ride!"
And now here's a word from the fine folks at It's Tanfastic!:
"Greetings, all you pasty chalk sticks! I'm Tawny Chestnut, owner of the It's Tanfastic! chain of tanning salons. If you want a tan really fast, and you don't care what it's doing to your insides, then come on down and hop in one of our state-of-the-art microwave tanning beds. We tan you so deep even your soul turns a darker shade.
"Ignore all the warnings by the FDA, the AMA, and your own common sense and get the tan you've always wanted.
"Remember, It's Tanfastic!"
Are you being hounded by creditors? Are you wanted by the law? Do you have a spouse and kids that annoy the hell out of you? Or do you just need some "me" time?
Hello. Van Ish here, CEO of Disappearing Inc. If you wanna go off the grid and you have an assload of money to pay for it, we can help you.
Our staff is skilled at erasing any trace that you ever existed, and will provide you with a new identity that's harder to crack than a diamond walnut encased in steel.
Contact us today
Tom: Welcome to Hell, kid. Just arrived?
(A demon hands John a cup of coffee)
John: (disgustedly) Geez! What's that smell?
(Looks down and sees he's standing knee-deep in muck)
Tom: It's manure, kid. Have some of your Brimstone Coffee.
John: (looking into the cup) It's yellow!
Tom: Whaddya expect, kid? It's sulfur.
(Fifteen minutes later)
John: You know, the java isn't too good, but standing around knee-deep in manure drinking coffee for all eternity isn't so bad. I could think of worse.
(The Devil walks up)
Devil: Coffee break's over. Everyone back on their heads.
Next time on "Lifestyles of the Stupidly Rich & Undeservedly Famous":
Join me, Cash Bankroll, as we take a hard-hitting look at international celebrity Candy Slutstack, spokesbimbo for Lipschitz Lipstick, and all-around waste of good oxygen. Candy slept her way to the top, and has spent more time on her back than a paraplegic. She parlayed that into an acting role, if you want to call it that, on the hit Sux TV Network series "Chip Nayle, Office Lackey."
Bold, brash, trashy. Candy Slutstack in a nutshell. Next time on Lifestyles of the Stupidly Rich & Undeservedly Famous.
Now a word from the good folks at your neighborhood Psychedelicatessen:
"Dig, brothers and sisters, it's Moonbeam McStardust here, manager of the Psychedelicatessen. Stop in for breakfast and try our Psilocybin Sausage Biscuit with a side order of Hashish Browns. Or join us for lunch and try a tasty new LSD BLT. Or everyone's favorite Pot Dogs with relish. Or go for a little Eastern enlightenment with our Swami Salami Sandwich. Sample our menu today at the Psychedelicatessen!"
Take Clear Light Avenue to the corner of Third and Bardo.
Psychedelicatessen. Tripping the city out, one cold cut at a time!
New shows coming to Sux:
8:00 Brotherly Love: a new talk show with your host Phil Adelphia.
7:00 Pillow Talk: a sexy new series starring Polly Ester.
8:00 Kiss My Ass: a tender drama about a man who falls in love with a donkey. Starring Harry Bawls and Patches the Donkey.
9:00 Little Fists of Fury: the very best of midget kung fu cinema.
And all of your returning favorites, including The Angry Eskimo, Chip Nayle-Office Lackey, My Three Nuns, DIY Tattooing and more! Don't miss a single episode!
Remember, this fall TV really Sux!
And now here's a word from the fine folks at Phuck University:
"Hello, potential students. I'm Harry Screwbottom, Dean of Phuck University. You know, it's a sad day when a college graduate can't even get a job slinging burgers at an artery-clogging fast food joint. Here at Phuck University, you pay very little tuition while jerking around and earning a degree. Give us a call at 1-800-PHUCK-OFF and start building your mediocre future today."
"Remember, there's no better feeling in the world when someone asks what college you attended than to proudly say, 'Phuck U!' "
Tonight on the Sux TV Network:
"Cowabunga, dudes and dudettes! Ink Floyd here inviting you to another totally tubular episode of Do-It-Yourself Tattooing. As you recall, last week I showed you how to tattoo a man surfing out of your belly button. Next time, I'll show you how to tattoo a gnarly wave on your buttcheeks backward while looking in a mirror. Catch the wave on Do-It-Yourself Tattooing!"
"Do-It-Yourself Tattooing" tonight at 7:00. At 7:30, the convent will never be the same after another hilarious episode of "My Three Nuns."
Tonight on Sux TV.
Bereave it or not, we're having a sale that's to die for at Crazy Larry's Discount Mortuary! Hi, Larry Kadaver here, owner and head mortician at Crazy Larry's. You'll croak when you see how low we've slashed prices on coffins. And you'll go positively stiff when you see the super low price on embalming. And we've got a headstone down here with your name on it!
People all over are dying to experience the services we provide at Crazy Larry's Discount Mortuary!
Centrally located downtown at the corner of Eulogy and Pallbearer.
Come see us at Crazy Larry's Discount Mortuary!
Now here's NASCAR driver extraordinaire Rusty Mufflers to speak for Pit Stop Deodorant:
"Yeehaw! Man, there's nothing like driving one of them there stock cars in concentric circles for five hours along with several dozen other rednecks. But the inside of that car gets so hot you start sweatin' like a whore on Judgment Day. That's why I use Pit Stop Deodorant. Extensive tests were conducted using baboons in the wilds of Africa. And if it's good enough for a baboon, it's good enough for ole' Rusty Mufflers. Remember, when your underarms need repair, it's time for a Pit Stop!"
Coming up tonight on Sux TV:
The season premiere of Chip Nayle, Office Lackey. In an action-packed and powerful episode, Chip encounters sick co-workers, a printer that's on the blink, and an empty box of rubber bands all the while dealing with a nasty paper cut.
Starring Jack Dullard as Chip Nayle, Candy Slutstack as Mona Heaves, and Brick Mason as The Boss.
Frozen in his extremities but hot under the collar, it's The Angry Eskimo.
That's Chip Nayle, Office Lackey and The Angry Eskimo starting at 8/7 Central tonight, only on the Sux TV network.
Now, here's Malt Barley speaking for the fine folks at Pyst Beer:
Is your job getting you down? Does your boss think you own a donkey considering he's been riding your ass all day? Trouble with your spouse, your in-laws, your neighbor? Then get Pyst! Yes, Pyst Beer, made from the finest spring water, the best grains, and more yeast than a hooker with a vaginal infection. Nothing quenches an angry thirst like Pyst Beer.
So remember, when you get Pyst you get beer, and when you get beer...you get Pyst!
(Made by the Pyst Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.)