Adults are like children, only bigger and dumber.
The most important meal of the day is whichever one I'm eating at the time.
People tell me to just be myself but that's what got me into this mess in the first place.
In school I was voted "Most Likely To Wind Up Working In A Place That Has My Name On The Uniform."
I question whether or not every bystander is really that innocent.
Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I know I do.
And finally, here are life's unwritten rules:
When you wait for a waiter, doesn't that make you a waiter too?
Can dogs from different countries understand each other's barks or do they need a translator?
People with glasses look smart but they had to fail a test to get that way.
The two e's in the word "bee" might as well be removed.
Finally, here are some mythical relatives of the Tooth Fairy:
The Cyst Leprechaun
The Hangnail Goblin
The Tumor Genie
The Gallstone Gremlin
The Appendix Elf
The Tonsil Pixie
The Hemorrhoid Sprite
The Mole Gryphon
The Bone Spur Gnome
The Pimple Imp
The Wart Troll
Here is what I want on my tombstone: “Start digging! I’m not dead yet!”
I was thinking of starting a campaign to stamp out apathy, but then I figured what was the point?
If “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players,” does that mean those of us without union cards are scabs?
Rome wasn’t built in a day. A job like that takes at least a week.
I need to take my anxiety pill but I’m afraid I’ll choke on it.
If it rains cats and dogs, then what is drizzle? Kittens and puppies?