"Phone moans" drabbles by Neville Hunt

A choice menu

Phone moans #5

A catalogue ideal for people like her. People of mature years could order delicious meals, delivered free. Nothing 'online', these are ordered by telephone. Adult-sized portions, mini portions for reduced appetites, small piece portions and pureed versions for those with particular eating issues. The range was huge, the options imaginative, the cost reasonable.

The answer to her dreams. You'd think!

"Just choose what you want for the week."

"I don't know what I want! I know what I don't want. I don't want to choose!

"Nonetheless, you'll choose to complain about meals we organise for you..." thought her daughter.

Care-free holiday

Phone moans #4

"About my holiday..." the old woman started on picking up the phone.

"What about it?" Her daughter groaned inside.

"We need to discuss it."

"We discuss it every phone call, every day. You said we wouldn't talk about it any more."

"That's because you won't share a room with me!"

"Correct!"

"And you'd only be going with me out of duty!"

"Not a duty, but a necessity. Who else would go with you?"

"I don't want you as my carer."

"You want a carefree, carer-free holiday?"

"Yes!"

"The last time you were without a carer you almost died!"

"Hmmmph!"

Separate rooms

Phone moans #3

"It's me that needs a holiday!" complained the old woman.

"I've been suggesting lots of holiday possibilities over the past two years, but you always find fault with them."

"THAT'S A LIE!" she shouted down the phone.

"It's not a lie, and I've always said I would go with you." her daughter countered calmly.

"Well you're not prepared to share a room with me! That doubles the cost!."

"No, I'm not.... neither am I prepared to share with anyone, except John, and when he snores, not even him!"

"Well I fancy a cruise!"

"OK, let's get you a passport!"

"Hmmmph!"

Greek tragedy

Phone moans #2

"How long is he away for?" demanded the disgruntled old woman.

"Three weeks, that's why I'm driving over to see you halfway through"

"They're always going off to that bloody Greek island!"

"Well they have got a house there, so it's hardly surprising..."

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

"They never ask me to go with them."

"There's no airport on the island and it would be unbelievably difficult to get you there."

"I could manage!"

"You have no passport!"

"I can easily get one!"

"Really? They cost about £100. Are you prepared to pay that?"

"Hmmmph!"

"I thought not!"

Orders

Phone moans #1

"I want to choose my own food!" insisted the 92 year old. "I don't like him getting me the stuff he thinks I want!" She was on the phone complaining about her son to her daughter, who lived far away.

"Well he's away on holiday, so I'll order your groceries online from here."

"I will get my own groceries!"

"Fine, but how will you do that? You don't drive, can't walk and you won't pay for a taxi!"

"Someone will take me!"

"Who? You've alienated everyone!"

"Well you order for me then!"

"OK, what do you want?"

"I've no idea..."