"Obituaries" drabbles by Christopher

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Dash Between The Dates

Obituaries #4

Walter Simpson was laid to rest today at the First Baptist Church in Tupelo. Walter, 89, succumbed to lung cancer.

Born the son of a sharecropper in 1933, Walter lied about his age, joining the Army at 17 when the Korean War began. He saved his entire platoon from an ambush in 1953.

Upon returning home Walter married his childhood sweetheart Doris. They had seven children, 21 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren.

Walter's tombstone read April 5, 1933 - March 8, 2022.

It's amazing how the total of a person's life can be summed up by a dash between the dates.

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Fred Johnson

Obituaries #3

Fred Johnson was laid to rest this morning at the Dirtnap Cemetery in downtown Milwaukee. Johnson drowned last week, falling into a vat of beer at the Pyst Brewery where he'd been employed for 23 years.

Fred is survived by his wife Helen, 13 Chihuahuas and a parrot named Bruce.

Friends described Johnson as gregarious, a top-notch bowler and a budding philatelist.

The circumstances behind Johnson's drowning remain sketchy. The official word was that he drowned before anyone knew he'd fallen, but more than one co-worker said Johnson left the vat at least twice to take a leak.

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Sharpo the Clown

Obituaries #2

Herbert Pedo, professionally known as Sharpo the Clown, died yesterday during a performance at a local child's birthday party. Sharpo had just finished his signature stunt, impaling balloon animals on sharp spikes, when he went to remove a handkerchief from his breast pocket. Unfortunately, Sharpo forgot to put down the spike first and accidentally stabbed himself through the heart. Terrified children ran screaming as blood spurted everywhere and Sharpo took his last breaths.

Funeral services are being delayed until a dying wish can be fulfilled: finding a coffin that's big enough to bury Sharpo wearing his giant floppy clown shoes.

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Ida Jensen

Obituaries #1

Ida Jensen passed away yesterday at the age of 73.

Miss Jensen was an institution at the gas company. She'd worked there 53 years. No one did bookkeeping and payroll better than Miss Jensen.

She began working for the gas company at age 20 and rarely missed a day. She'd just finished payroll for the previous week when her heart gave out.

Her boss, Jared Moore, said, "She was put in the debit column when she left Heaven and added as a credit to Earth. Now...it's the opposite."

Ida Jensen

Clocked in: February 10, 1947
Clocked out: October 21, 2020