"Jeff" drabbles by Ricky Moore
The Purple Toiletpaper
Jeff #7
Jeff and Ted are walking through Walmart before coming across purple toilet paper.
"Look at this!" Jeff says, pointing to his discovery.
"Wow, what they going to come out with next!?"
"Exactly! It's becoming less about use and more about allurement!"
"Apparently, it's the softest in the universe!"
Jeff laughs.
A middle-aged woman picks one up.
"Excuse me, what made you go for that toilet paper?" Jeff enquires.
"Sorry!?"
"I'm just very curious."
"That's personal, don't you think!?
"Sorry"
"If you must know it popped up on my computer, after researching a medical condition, you should respect people's privacy!"
The Important Dating Choice
Jeff #6
"So how's the dating going?" Ted asks Jeff.
"Horrible! I'm dating two women, and I just can't choose between them!" Jeff replies.
"Well surely you like one more than the other?"
"That's the thing, I don't think I do, infact, I think I hate them both equally!"
Ted laughs.
"So why are you dating them?"
"I'm stuck with these two, going for anyone else in the neighborhood would be too risky!"
"Ok... So what's wrong with them?"
"One is a pathological liar, the other, I'm pretty sure, is racist!"
"What you going to do?"
"Leave the country, find anyone else!"
The Supermarket Queue
Jeff #5
Jeff is standing in the supermarket queue, when a woman with a crate of beer and crisps cuts in front of him.
"Excuse me, Could you go to the back of the line?" Jeff asks.
"I've only got a couple of things".
"That's not the point though is it?"
"Can't you just be a gentleman?"
"Look its not about that, I've been standing for ages, you can't just cut in"
"What happened to ladies first?" She asks struggling with the beer.
"Would you like me to help?"
"How dare you!?"
"What!?"
"Women are just as strong as men you know!"
The Park Bench
Jeff #4
Sitting on the park bench, Larry laughs as Jeff tells him a joke about Christians. A balding man in tight cycling shorts appears, from the bushes behind them.
"I found that highly offensive!"
"I'm sorry, we're actually Christians too." Jeff explains.
"I'm not a Christian"
"How could it offend you then?"
"It was derogatory to Christians."
"But, you aren't!"
"Nevertheless, I could be!"
"I didn't know anyone was around! What were you doing in the bushes anyway!?"
"I enjoy sitting in the bushes, listening to people."
"You can't do that!"
"I can do what I want, it's a free country!"
The Cappuccino
Jeff #3
Standing, waiting for his cappuccino, Jeff suddenly has the urge to sneeze. Before managing to pull out his hanky, it shoots out, releasing a cloud of moisture and snot.
"Cover your nose for Christ sake!" yells the old man.
"It was too quick, I'm sorry" Jeff apologises.
"I might catch all sorts now!"
"It was just a sneeze, I'm not ill"
"Millions of bugs are probably crawling all over me!"
"Calm down!, I'm clean!"
"Nobody sneezes like that if they're healthy!"
"Look, I can assure you your not going to catch anything!"
"Cappuccino for Jerm!" yells the barista.
"It's Jeff!!"
The Bus Passenger
Jeff #2
Getting on the full bus, Jeff looks around, hoping for one, empty seat.
He walks up the aisle and notices a man sitting at the window, bag placed on the seat beside him.
"Excuse me" Jeff coughs.
The man stares at him, bluntly.
"Would it be possible for you to move your bag?"
"Can't" he replies, turning away.
"Why not!?"
"Floors dirty"
"Put it on your lap!"
"It's heavy"
"You can't take both seats!"
"Says who?"
"It's an unwritten law, it's greed having both!"
"Here's my stop now"
"What, the bank?"
"Yes I'm a banker, you should have some respect!"
The Salt Shaker Incident
Jeff #1
"What's that?", Terry enquires.
"Salt shaker" Jeff replies, matter of factly.
"You can't bring your own salt shaker to a restaurant!"
"Why?"
"What d'you mean why? Why would you!?"
"I don't like thier salt", Jeff replies biting his freshly salted chip.
"Salt's, salt !"
Jeff shrugs, a Polish waiter approaches, noticing the salt shaker.
"Excuse me sir, you can't bring that here"
"Why!?" Jeff asks, bewildered.
"It's restaurant policy"
"Policy?"
"We don't allow foreign salts"
"That's ridiculous!"
"It prevents contamination"
"Contamination!?"
"Your salt might mix with ours"
"So what!?"
"We can't have your salt coming here, taking over our salt."
