Lunchtime - excellent fun with lots of exercise too. The giants want me to get my healthy 'five-a-day', so before I get the good stuff, they (try to) fill me up with cucumber, carrots and melon. Half-chewed, these stick really well and I can get them way beyond the plastic sheet beneath my highchair. Splatting the wall is brilliant!
Toasted cheese fingers next - my favourite. Usually too good to sling... except when I'm stuffed full of veggies. It's probably the saltiness I like. Then fruit yogurts... deeeelishus! (probably the sugariness).
Salt? Sugar? Both seem very healthy to me!
They're all here. The cousins. Loud noises everywhere... but it's my party so I join in. The prison gate's closed but some of them know how to open the bars. One cousin can't open them though. We look at each other, he touches my face and I yell... and him... but we both head for the bars, grab them together and start to shake.
The little fellow doesn't say much - he's young but OK! We're shaking the bars together. I'm sure they're moving a bit!
"Come on Jas... let's get some resonance going..."
That sure seems to rattle the giants!
At The Ancients' house today. Two cousins were there. One was a girl! The other was a boy like me though, nearly five!
The Ancients had a gate to stop me exploring the interesting places. I didn't even give it a rattle! I was BUSY!
There was the usual safe rubbish they get out for me to play with. Play? I chuck!
I chucked it as far as I could! But my cousin's box of dangerous stuff was there too! Cars, diggers, rockets, planes and tiny bits of Lego.
Granny wanted a cuddle. "Leave it out, Gran, I'm too busy!"
Pssst! Out walking, I just heard a passer by saying he'd love to swap places with me. "Lying comfortably, all warm, without a care in the world" That's what he said.
HE KNOWS NOTHING! Here I am, lying with my bum in a growing patch of the brown stuff (mum doesn't like the word shit!... oops, there I go!). Nobody realises because we're 'in the fresh air'... Well let me tell you, it ain't so fresh down here! He was right, because I am warm... but it's that 'u-oh' warmth!
Stop chatting, walk me home, clean me up!
I'm growing up. I'm one now. I'm a big boy! Almost a man! So it's time you started to listen properly.
This going out in the pram lark is OK. I like to get fresh air as much as any growing lad... but don't think you can use the bobbly-bobbly-bumps of the pram wheels to send me off to sleep! I don't do sleep when you want me to. Not no more; oh no!
Sleep's for cissies! (although OK after my evening feed). Sit me up... paleeease! Let me look around at stuff. I've got curiosity! Feed it!
I'm not ready to 'follow on'. I know what they're thinking... they want some flexibility... to share the sleepless nights. And they want to do it at my expense!
Measure it out, boil the water, mix it up, wait to cool. Must get the temperature right. Flexibility? What could be more flexible than feeding on-demand? And if people don't like to see me feeding.. or what I'm feeding from... well that's their problem.
Maybe I'm not ready for manufactured stuff yet... but I do like my mum's kind of 'convenience food'! Very delicious, very cosy, perfect temperature. Very convenient.
Welcome to my world. My world in captivity. My 'routine'.
My captors are passionate about keeping me to my routine. Their determination would be impressive if it weren't for the fact that I get no say in my own routine.
I'm a free spirit. I know it, they know it... but I'm dealing with control freaks.
But it doesn't all go their way!
Take meal times.... They sit me in my ejector seat, give me stuff... and I eject it.. even the stuff they think I like.
And when my nappy's removed, well it's time for a piss up. Weeeeeee!
No stopping me now. I've got transport. I can go places.
I've an idea that the places I want to go are probably the ones most difficult to get to. Some places need visas, but if I'm lucky I'll be able to cheat the system! I wanna be anywhere but here!
When you're cunning and observant like me, you need to wait for your chances... to catch your jailers off-guard... then make a beeline as fast as your knees will let you.
But it's tragic when you're caught. It's prison bars for you.
And those stairs look such fun!
What's this crapola she's dishing up? A hard working guy like me expects more effort than that, gal!
Think about it.... she's taking nice looking things - good colours... I like colours! Carrots - they look bright, orangey and cheerful, like me. Cabbage and peas if you please - very complementary to the nice dark brown of the minced beef. Lovely jubbly!
But hang on missus, just what are you doing with my stuff? My colourful dinner of many hues gets whizzed in a liquidiser until it's 'blended'.
Note to grown-up self: blended = shit-coloured.
No wonder my nappy's so grim!
Wouldn't it be great if I could communicate better with these enormous brutes. I communicate, oh yes!... but they don't understand my language. Given the limited vocabulary that weebies like me have, you would think those guys would catch on a bit quicker!
For instance... I'm often just hanging out, doing stuff, minding my own business, then whoosh... I'm attacked! I'd done nothing except rub my eyes, ears or nose. They whisk me up and brutally slap me down on my back in that contraption, sometimes manacling me and jiggling it around until I lose consciousness.
Child abuse, nothing lezzzzzzzzzzz!
Someone's pushing me. I don't like being pushed. That's probably going to be the story of my life from now on.
Been pretty good so far, apart from feeling a bit cramped. Haven't had to worry about anything at all. Now though I'm like toothpaste, whatever that is, being squeezed through a nozzle that's far too small.
"Would someone stop yelling out there!"
Oh!... that's odd! What am I doing out here? Bit chilly! What's this? Hung upside down by my feet. And someone just slapped my arse!
"Oi, that's child abuse!" If only I knew my rights!