"Dan The Desperate Dater " drabbles by Matthew Milam

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No Caller ID - Part 2

Dan The Desperate Dater

“You’re a messy guy…” said the mysterious voice on the phone.

“I can’t see why she would even go out with you.”

Dan didn’t need to ask why this person was in his home.

“Do you always invade the houses of the people who date your ex’s?” The voice on the phone laughed.

“Come on now, you mean to tell me you never wanted to know about the girls you dated and who they are dating now.”

“I don’t date.” said Dan with meek embarrassment. The voice on the phone went silent for a minute. “A virgin? I can tell.”

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No Caller ID

Dan The Desperate Dater

It was a boring day at work for Dan at his accounting job. Sitting at his desk, he passed the time looking at the pictures Xena sent him. She was tall, dark-skinned and voluptuous. His drab, but well-paid place of employment didn't feel so tortuous knowing that today, Friday, would be of physical and emotional fulfillment.

Then, a call come in.

There was no number, it just read unknown. Dan decided to answer as the only people with those numbers were telemarketers. Dan answered the phone. All he heard was a very loud hiss. "I'm inside the walls."

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Bad Selfie

Dan The Desperate Dater

Insecure as he was about the way he looked in photos, Dan always dreaded the need for his dates to ask for a full-body image. One day, Dan got a text from Sheryl who he met on a dating site but not offline with this singular request.

"My phone is bad. The camera cuts off at my neck."

"Did you like the photo I sent you last night?"

Dan's second brain remembered as it touched the zipper from inside of his pants. "Dammit Dan, send her the fracking photo." said Dan's second brain with a thristful rage.

"Send it!"

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Dan The Desperate Dater #1

Dan The Desperate Dater

I was told that I was lonely.

I was told that I was lonely and so I believed it. I was told that I needed a girlfriend to fill that loneliness and so I found one. Here's the problem: I don't want her anymore.

I used to love The Beatles "Here, There and Everywhere". I used to play it for her all the time in the morning before I left for work. As she chases me down alleyways with a knife, the song takes on a creepier meaning. Now I want her neverwhere.

I almost think she's near beside me.