"Tiki Moon" drabbles by Christopher

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 151

Tiki Moon #151

I spotted Morty as Henry the VIII standing next to the guy dressed as Benjamin Franklin and quickly made my way over to them, walking like Groucho and fidgeting with my cigar.

As I approached I heard Morty say, "I think I have a good chance of winning the costume contest later."

I sidled up to him and said, "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever hoid!"

He looked at me and asked, "Mr. Saint?"

"At yer soivice!" I said, moving my eyebrows up and down, which had no effect since the big black eyebrows were attached to the glasses...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 150

Tiki Moon #150

A man appeared on the stage and introduced Bill Bailey and His Band O'Renown, a twelve-piece big band that launched straight into Glenn Miller's "In The Mood."

I think I was starting to get used to such a weird scene, because seeing a conglomerate of adults dressed in Halloween costumes rush onto the dance floor and start cutting a rug didn't even faze me.

But The Lone Ranger wasn't dancing. He was standing across the room, staring again.

It was obvious this asshole and I were going to do a dance of our own before this night was through...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 149

Tiki Moon #149

The guy just stood there staring. I decided to drop it for the moment. I had business to conduct, and getting into a fistfight at a costume party was not part of that business. I moved through the crowd of circus clowns, pirates and at least one chickie dressed as Cleopatra until I found the bar. I ordered a bourbon on the rocks and sat waiting to glimpse Morty.

I'd lost sight of The Lone Ranger, which suited me. I was just sipping my drink and marveling at the spectacle I was not only witnessing but was a part of....

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 148

Tiki Moon #148

When I couldn't find Henry the VIII I started looking for Benjamin Franklin, but couldn't find him either. Maybe he was off playing with his lightning rod.

I noticed a guy dressed as The Lone Ranger, complete with cowboy hat, black mask and six-shooter at his side. I wondered if it was loaded with silver bullets. He kept staring at me, never diverting his gaze. It was pissing me off so I approached him and asked, in Groucho's voice, "Well, where's Tonto? Did you send him ahead to town to get the tar beat out of him like usual?"

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 147

Tiki Moon #147

I made my way to the door of the Tiki Moon, walking as Groucho with my legs bent at the knees. What's strange was no one looked twice at me there. It's like the weirdness of the scene was perfectly normal to these people. I had a feeling this was a yearly thing only I'd never heard about it. Strange, considering I had been to the Tiki Moon a lot over the last few years.

I hit the door, eagerly looking for Morty. Actually, I was looking for Henry the VIII.

Maybe he was searching for a wife to behead...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 146

Tiki Moon #146

I'd never seen him before, the guy in the costume I mean, not Benjamin Franklin. I wondered if that was the vice president of the Commonwealth Construction Company, Nick Berman. Deborah had said he and Morty had gotten rather chummy lately. She also wanted me to find out if he had anything to do with Morty's decision to want her dead.

They both chatted with Superman for a few moments and then went into the Tiki Moon.

This was certainly one of the most bizarre scenes I had ever witnessed. I couldn't help but chuckle as I exited the car...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 145

Tiki Moon #145

Highly appropriate, I thought. Except he didn't have her beheaded.

Morty really didn't seem very bright. If your wife had just disappeared in the middle of the ocean, you don't go to a Halloween party when you find out. And you certainly don't go as a historical figure known for having two of his wives killed.

But I remembered what Deborah told me about Morty, "I never claimed he was the sharpest knife in the drawer."

I had to keep that in mind through all of this illogic.

There was someone walking with Morty; a guy dressed like Benjamin Franklin...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 144

Tiki Moon #144

The parking lot was packed. There were people milling around outside the Tiki Moon, chatting and laughing. I saw Betty Grable, Humphrey Bogart, Charlie Chaplin and Bela Lugosi all standing in a cluster at the front door. Actually, it wasn't any of those people, just some schmucks dressed like them. And this schmuck, dressed as Groucho Marx, sat in his car in the parking lot and quietly observed the scene.

I was trying to catch a glimpse of Morty, if I could even tell who he was under the disguises.

And then I saw him. Dressed as Henry the VIII...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 143

Tiki Moon #143

I left my apartment and went to the parking lot, walking with my legs bent and chomping on one of the cigars I'd gotten at Stan's Stogie Shop. I passed someone in the building's lobby and they did a double take as I walked by.

I got in my Pontiac Torpedo and headed toward Laguna Beach. Something had told me to strap on my shoulder holster and gun, which I didn't ignore. The tuxedo jacket hid the piece under my arm beautifully. Made me wonder if Groucho had ever packed heat.

I pulled up to the Tiki Moon at sunset...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 142

Tiki Moon #142

Great. Not only did I have to keep one eye open for a former mob hit man and dodge someone shooting at me while trying to find out if Mort Alexander was in collusion with anyone to have his wife bumped off, I now had just pissed off the only two friends I had in the L.A.P.D.

I spent the weekend restocking my refrigerator and pantry after my extended vacation, and then relaxed until Monday evening when I shaved, showered, and got dressed up like Groucho Marx.

I just hoped that I wouldn't need Harpo, Chico and Zeppo as backup...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 141

Tiki Moon #141

Kip shook his head, "Nobody thinks you killed her, Jake. But, from what Jim has said, you are prone to keeping a tight lip when it comes to things that might aid the L.A.P.D. in certain investigations. At least when they involve your clients. And that, Jake Randolph, private detective, is a crime."

"Well, gentlemen, thanks for stopping by and accusing me of every crime since Lincoln's assassination," I said acerbically. "But you need to leave. The Purple Gang are on their way over and we're discussing plans to knock over Fort Knox."

Harrigan and Kip marched out the door...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 140

Tiki Moon #140

"I met her on the ship," I said, which was true, actually, "and then when we started back I noticed she wasn't on the ship and I reported it," which was also true.

"And you're sure she was on the ship when you started home?" Kip asked.

This was where I was going to have to lie.

"Yes."

"So there was either an accident or she was murdered," Harrigan said.

"Looks that way," I said before adding, "I suppose you think I killed her, huh, Harrigan?"

Harrigan just looked at me. It was creepy, like maybe he did think that...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 139

Tiki Moon #139

I had called Harrigan's bluff. And he was bluffing.

"Randolph, we are investigating a hit-and-run victim that worked for a company that was owned by a woman who just disappeared off a cruise ship. Do you think that's a coincidence?" Harrigan asked in a more calm tone.

"I don't know if it is or not. But that's no reason to strongarm your way into my apartment and start threatening me, now is it?"

Harrigan looked a bit sheepish, and then asked, "Do you know anything about the Newstead woman?"

I didn't want to lie but I'd have to...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 138

Tiki Moon #138

"All I have to do is drag you in front of the captain of that ship and have him identify you as Jacob Randall."

But then I thought about it. What'd I really do? I wasn't legally obligated to speak to them about Deborah's disappearance. It was out of their jurisdiction when it supposedly happened. Speaking to them would've been a courtesy on my part. And taking a cruise under an alias wasn't a crime. Well, except for the fake passport.

I put my hands out, "Cuff me and charge me if you have evidence of criminality on my part."

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 137

Tiki Moon #137

Harrigan continued, "There wasn't a Jake Randolph on the passenger manifest for the SS Angelina. There was, however, a Jacob Randall. And this Jacob Randall reported Deborah Newstead missing from the ship and slipped off once it reached port in L.A. after the captain had said the authorities wanted to see him."

I was busted. I hadn't thought the plan through and I underestimated the efficiency of the L.A. police. I wouldn't make that mistake again, assuming I stayed out of jail this time.

I was trying to figure a way out of this, and I was coming up empty...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 136

Tiki Moon #136

"I am sick and tired of your accusations, Harrigan!" I said in disgust. "You know me. What, do you think I committed a crime on that boat?"

I wasn't prepared for his answer.

"Yes," he said coldly as he brought his arms up under mine to break my grasp on his coat.

He must have noticed the mixture of hurt and shock on my face, for he quickly added, "Not a serious crime. But I believe you're withholding evidence."

"About what?" I asked in a loud voice.

"About Mr. Saint. About the disappearance of a one Deborah Newstead. Sound familiar?"

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 135

Tiki Moon #135

By this point I was ready to fight either one of them. Harrigan always had a short fuse with me and I usually took it because I just expected it from him. But this prying into my personal business was getting under my skin.

"You're the police detectives, you tell me what ship I was on. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to find out how many ships left for the Orient the day of my trip."

"Why don't you want us to know, Randolph? Got something to hide?" Harrigan asked.

That was it. I grabbed Harrigan by his jacket...

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 134

Tiki Moon #134

Now I was starting to get pissed. Harrigan muscles his way into my apartment and then starts cursing at me. Oh, hell no!

I looked at Harrigan, "Why is it so damned important that you know what ship I took? Are ocean voyages suddenly illegal in this burg?"

Harrigan clenched his fists as if he were about to hit me. If he wanted a fight, he would sure as hell get one.

Kip sensed this was escalating into something that possibly could not be undone.

"Jake, were you on the SS Angelina?" Kip asked me, stepping between Harrigan and me.

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 133

Tiki Moon #133

"Hey, Harrigan, why don't you come in?" I said sarcastically after he was already in. His partner was a little more formal.

"Jake," Kip said solemnly, "we need to talk to you."

I motioned for him to join Harrigan in the living room.

"Care for a drink?" I asked of the both of them.

Kip shook his head, "We're still on duty."

Harrigan looked pissed, "Enough of this pussyfooting. Jake, what ship did you take to the Orient?"

"A big one," I said, grinning at Kip.

Harrigan turned with flames dancing in his eyes.

"Cut the bullshit, Jake. Right now!"

Jake Randolph in "Tiki Moon" Pt. 132

Tiki Moon #132

I waited until the tux was ready, picked it up and went home. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed for the first time in weeks. I missed the lumps and depressions that I usually felt in my back.

I was about ready to turn in when there was a knock on the door. I went and looked through the peephole. It was Harrigan and his partner Kip. What in the hell did they want?

I opened the door and said, "Look, honey, it's the four flat feet we ordered."

Harrigan pushed by me without an invitation...