Price Of A Duchess

'How much do you charge, love?' the punter asked.
Sighing, the skanky Duchess produced a creased pamphlet from her handbag:

Cadfael's Revenge - £25.00
Diving Elbow Drop - £15.00
Limp Biscuits - £20.00
Trisexual Blimp Action - £10.00
Rotten Canadian - £30.00
Spooky Blancmange - £50.00 (with happy ending, add an extra £10.00)
Shropshire Spanking - £30.00 (for Cornish Spanking, add an extra £260.00)
Swashbuckling - £30.00 (dressed as Hitler/Norman Wisdom, add an extra £10.00)
Sweaty Tit Crease - £10.00 (with spicy noodles, add an extra £25.00)
Throttling The Vicar - £20.00
Phoneboning - £20.00 per handset

'I think I'll give it a miss' he mumbled.
'Pussy...' she hissed at him.