Fruity Behaviour Lands 'Marmite' Actor In Court

Disgraced actor Dave Martyr, famed for roles in the soap opera 'Concrete & Piss' and the children's show 'Buggerlugs', was arrested yesterday at a Skaggerston Bastards football match for "an act of gross indecency" involving an inflatable banana.

Shortly after Chalfont Mumbles scored an eighth goal in the 58th minute, Martyr was seen "clambering" over railings "stark cunting naked", carrying the banana.

He then lay down and simulated "anal intercourse" with the toy in front of Skaggerston goalkeeper Shaun Surgery. Police and stewards quickly retrieved the troubled 44-year-old actor, who has struggled with a "Marmite addiction" for years.