Shady Acres Nightly News (1/3)

"Now from the Shady Acres Retirement Home here's the Nightly News with your anchors Jasper Sanford and Zelda Bing..."

Zelda: Good evening, everyone, and here's the news for Wednesday. Hermione was spotted on a Walk of Shame early this morning, emerging from Henry's room wearing the same support hose she had on when entering his room last night. Shame, shame, Hermione! Jasper...

Jasper: Tragedy struck the east wing when Burt Peters, 95, was found dead in his bed early this morning. Foul play isn't suspected, but then again, we all know well what an unmitigated a-hole ol' Burt was.