Portrait of the artist as a dead man

To anyone familiar with his literary output, it should come as no surprise that Eustace Willoughby chose to compose his suicide note using alphabet spaghetti.

In the hours following the discovery of the poet's body slumped over his breakfast table yesterday, the academic world heralded his final couplets, spelled out through cold tomato sauce, as a posthumous masterpiece.

However, there are already detractors who claim that Willoughby's farewell was a fluke: insinuating that the genius had choked to death on a mouthful of waffle, and the spaghetti letters had aligned themselves by random chance into a message of profound despair.