Trophy wife

The worst thing about having a wife thirty years younger is the constant pestering for sex.

I got home from work to find her draped across the kitchen work surface, naked apart from a fish slice.

"My sizzling chef! Bury your hungry face in my oysters. Bast me with your cooking juices"

The whole business was ludicrously unhygienic, especially in a food preparation area.

I fantasise about cruising local libraries to pick up a woman my own age. I would take her to the nearest hotel, where we would snuggle up in separate beds with a good book before bedtime.