Bang to rights

They hauled me in front of a disciplinary panel.

"Your conduct has been entirely unacceptable", the investigating officer told me.

"Inappropriate language towards a colleague. Threatening behaviour. Physical assault"

They had me bang to rights. I should have offered a more devious excuse than the victim being an irritating twat.

"Incontestably amounting to gross misconduct, punishable by dismissal"

Luckily, during the course of the investigation, the panel had conducted several interviews with the victim himself.

On our way out, the investigating officer bought me a cappuccino, and made me undertake formally not to hit that twat again for eighteen months.