"The Inadequate Investigations of Inspector Ifimus" drabbles by Andrew Pettigrew
Menacing the Thug
The Inadequate Investigations of Inspector Ifimus
Ifimus had to admit that the confrontation was not going well. He'd meant to storm in, threaten the thug with a glass Coke bottle and make him spill his secrets. No such luck.
'Tell me where the drugs are, or I'm going to get mad!'
The thug raised an eyebrow. 'Mad?'
'Yeah! Mad like your mother!'
He looked amused. 'Show me.'
Ifimus hesitated, then tentatively slammed the Coke bottle on the table.
The bottle bounced into the air before banging on Ifimus' head with a loud clunk.
'Ouch,' he muttered, dazed. 'That was... unexpected.'
Then he keeled over sideways, unconscious.
The Fall
The Inadequate Investigations of Inspector Ifimus
Inspector Ifimus poked the mangled corpse that lay at the foot of the apartment block stairs.
'This is dead serious,' he noted. 'Get it? Dead serious.'
His assistant gulped.
'It was a joke, Jack. Stop being so grave. Ha! Grave. But I think I have worked it out.'
Jack's face brightened. 'You have?'
'Yes, it's quite simple. He tripped.'
'But he's got sixteen stab wounds, sir!'
The inspector nodded sagely. 'He must not have listened to his mother. Never run down stairs with a knife, Jack.'
'But, Inspector—'
'Stop mumbling! What is it?'
'He lived on the ground floor.'
'Oh.'
Suspicious Knowledge
The Inadequate Investigations of Inspector Ifimus
The man had been murdered. And it was obvious he had been stabbed. Inspector Ifimus relayed his dire conclusions to the man's pale-faced wife.
'Well, that's obvious!' she shouted furiously.
'Is that so?' he asked, suspicious. 'You're no detective. How come you know he's been stabbed?'
She gasped. 'Are you kidding me?'
'Madam, this is no laughing matter,' Ifimmus told her sternly. 'And stop evading the question. How do you know the manner in which your husband died?'
The woman glared, then gestured to the corpse.
'There's a knife sticking out of his bleedin' forehead.'
And so there was.
