Horace T. Fonebone

Name: Horace T. Fonebone

Age: 46

Occupation: Archivist at the National Museum of Earwax

Location: State of panic

Nationality: American, but Bloodline.com says I'm .3% Cuban.

Body type: Matchstick

My ideal partner: Someone not freaked out by seizures or warts

I enjoy: Binge watching The Love Boat, making my own dental floss

Turn-Ons: Thick eyebrows, horn-rimmed glasses, chartreuse hair clips

Turn-Offs: Chinese alphabet tattoos, people who say "you know" a lot, Freemasons

Traits: Everyone says I'm not self-aware but I just don't see it.

Goals: Improving my bowling average, finishing my collection of John Denver albums