No one loves you when you're down and out. Especially when you're "down" at the nudie bar and "out" of one dollar bills.
Never kick a man when he's down. Unless you find him in bed with your wife, then you can stomp the crap out of him.
Stupid is as stupid do.
Be yourself. Unless you're a complete ass-hat, in which case you might want to be someone else.
Kill with kindness... or a hacksaw, whichever is convenient.
Self-deprecating humor is when you make fun of yourself. Self-decapitating humor is when you laugh your head off.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. To be eight-armed is to be an octopus.
Be thankful for what you have. Unless you're a blind, deaf and dumb quadruple amputee falsely imprisoned. You can complain all you want.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but a naked photo of your boss could net you serious blackmail money.
Red sky in the morning: sailor's warning. Red sky at night: you're probably having an LSD flashback.
Live by the sword and you shall die by the sword. Live by the toxic waste dump and you shall die by radiation poisoning.