"University of Middle England" drabbles by Speculoos Biscuits

speculoos avatar

UME - Notice of specialist contractors on campus

University of Middle England #5

Over the coming weeks you may see some specialist contractors taking measurements of the massive void presently occupying the site of the missing Experimental Mathematics building. Some students and staff have been alarmed by the protective suits and respiratory equipment worn by these contractors, however we would like to assure everyone that this equipment is entirely precautionary and is simply a standard procedure for anyone working in an area of high ionising radiation. The void is entirely safe but should not be approached under any circumstances as the area has been designated a nature reserve under the UME rewilding programme.

speculoos avatar

UME - Administration Building Refurbishment

University of Middle England #4

As part of the refurbishment of the administration building a new entrance and atrium is being installed to provide a larger reception area, student study area and improved wheelchair access.

Unfortunately the original entrance has been bricked up before the new doorway has been created, sealing at least 37 members of the Administration staff inside. The in house project management team have expedited the building works for the new entrance and expect to release the staff in approximately 6 weeks. This is considerably faster that the original project plan. Administration services are not expected to be affected during this period.

speculoos avatar

UME - Summer Solstice

University of Middle England #3

Summer solstice celebrations at the Neolithic stone circle on campus have been a tradition since the University of Middle England was founded in 1962. Some modification to the ceremony will be necessary this year. The university chaplain has advised that chanting will be permitted but that those hoping to dance naked around the stones are likely to be asked to wear a face covering whilst doing so. While the estates team were furloughed, an area of Giant Hogweed has become established within the circle and participants are warned that contact with the leaves can cause severe blistering of the skin.

speculoos avatar

UME - Security Warning

University of Middle England #2

Members of the university are advised that a number of students and staff dressed in vintage 1970s clothing have been seen on campus in recent weeks. Under no circumstances should they be approached, it appears that this is an after effect of the incident in the Experimental Mathematics building in 1975 and any interaction with these individuals runs the risk of creating dangerous time paradoxes.

Although their attire would suggest that these are individuals contemporary with the incident of 1975, careful observation has revealed that it is likely that the majority are from the "Britpop" era of the mid-1990s.

speculoos avatar

UME - Google Maps

University of Middle England #1

Visitors to the University of Middle England are advised that Google maps may not function properly on campus. This is due to a distortion of spacetime caused by an accident in the Department of Experimental Mathematics in 1975. A Non-Euclidian map can be collected from the Security Lodge to help you find your way around.

Visitors should note that the Experimental Mathematics building is still missing and are advised to remain at least 100m away from the void where it once stood. If you experience after effects of your visit you should seek the advice of a philosophical professional.