"Humor" drabbles by Isaac Grant

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The Lamp and the Foot

humor #10

Shermick Holms had had a terrible night. There had been a terrible murder in the third floor of Salisbury bank and the only thing of value had been a very ugly green lamp. The only thing that had been left in the room with the lamp was a foot. A dismembered and lacerated foot. Etched into it were the words "See You Soon." There were no fingerprints, no other clues besides the foot and the ugly lamp. He had spent the night walking around London. It wasn't helping. he really was just a terrible detective. "Shermick holmes, the incredibly stupid".

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Humor #9

People say that they lead you to your fate, and all that crap. Sorry to burst your bubble but that is incorrect. Very incorrect. In fact all they really do is kill you. Kill you dead. They lead you along 'til the sky ain't blue no more, then, BAM! Yer deader than that door nob on the wall that's probably behind you. All you see is blue light and that ain't even pretty blue light. It's the scary kind that wakes you in the middle of the night. So, no. Don't go chasin' Will-o-Whisps whenever you are 'apleasen

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Blink and You'll Miss It

Humor #8

Everyone here has a time in their life where their true purpose in our current society is revealed. No this is not earth. No, earth was destroyed long ago when the sun decided to go boom. This is Gothgol. The only place in the whole friggin' universe without stars. We get one day of light. That's it. One Day. That day is the "Day of Choosing." If you blink during it that's your day of light, poof, gone. Worst. Principle. Ever. Nobody makes it through the day, so technically it's the "couple minutes of choosing." I'm moving back to earth.

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New Frank

humor #7

The metal arms ran up and down the mold for the new Frank. He would be better this time, less... uh... let's just say less stiff. The last time didn't go so well, not being able to put on the brakes and other such sayings. The small welders on the end of the arms glowed with a light too bright to look at, and then he was done, the glorious creation that was the new Frank, fully bendable at every joint now, I don't know why I didn't fix this before. Now all I need is a large lightning storm.

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Humor #6

To me, there are two types of falling, both of which are usually to your death. The first being your average falling. Whether it's from a plane or off a skyscraper, it makes no difference. Falling in this way is falling, generally with either a crack or a splat when the person or thing hits. the second way is being intentionally pulled down, gradually falling towards something. This something is usually something that you don't want to touch (eg. lava, acid, spikes, etc.). in conclusion, falling is usually interpreted as a bad thing. I really not sure why that is.

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Humor #5

Blinking sucked. But it was helpful sometimes too.
every time Lucas closed his eyes he was brought back five seconds into the past. He knew this because he tested it. Looking at a clock, blinking and checking. Yep. Definitely five seconds. The only thing that could be any more perfect, was a way to go forward. Reaching down to itch his foot as the bell rang, the other students getting up to leave. Once the scratching was complete he looked up wondering where everyone was. He looked at the clock. it was an hour past when he had last looked.

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Humor #4

On a world that doesn't exist, a number is found that when multiplied by zero, doesn't become zero...

"Oh my goodness! we finally found it! Sir, come look at this!"
"What is it?"
"It's thirty-six, sir. It doesn't get consumed by zero when multiplied by it!"
"Uuuuuh, is your calculator broken?"
"I hope not!"
gets out new calculator
"Nope! works here too!"
"Amazing! Post it everywhere! Tell the world!"
"On it sir!"
Of course this didn't actually happen, and just to clarify, look.
types in 0 times 36
oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESSS! I've got to tell everyone!

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Humor #3

The dragon slayer woke up, yawned, and fell out of bed, faceplanting onto the dirt floor of his tent. He groaned as he scooped himself off the floor. The battle with the dragon had ended in hiatus the night before, because both of the fighters where too exhausted to continue. Johl grabbed his spear and stumbled outside the tent in search of the dragon. It was curled up under the tree on the hill just in front of him. The dragon, having sensed Johl, got up and said, "I think we should change key, how 'bout a game of chess?"

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The Moon

Humor #2

The Moon shone bright on the night of The Taking. All was calm, most was bright. The greedy lake, the one on the horizon, just over the big hill, you know the one. It was quiet and still. It's the only lake that wears the moon anymore, you know. I think the lake stole it, that greedy lake over the hill. I think the lake took the moon away. In the mighty earthquake it took the moon right out of the sky, keeping it for itself, that selfish, good-for-nothin' lake. I miss the moon. It's gone, you know.

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Just Milk

Humor #1

Dan was thirsty. He went to the refrigerator and took out the milk. Pouring himself a glass he said, "what will I do today?" Thinking out loud, often helped him decide on things. "I think I'm going to climb a tree."he said, "I haven't done that in a while." After he said this he took a drink and spilled a little on the floor. He blinked and it was larger. The milk started to fill up the room. He swam to the door, and opened it, allowing the milk to flow out, soon the world was covered in creamy milk.