"Hard Of Herring" drabbles by Christopher

The Kinky Vampire

Hard Of Herring #6

I watched an old vampire movie on the late show last night. It was one of those 60's Italian films that had been dubbed into English, but apparently something was lost in the translation. Seriously, whoever heard of a vampire being from Pennsylvania? Or that you can ward off a vampire by wearing garbage around your neck or by holding up a crotch?

But that wasn't the worst of it. I wondered if it was about to veer off into porn territory when the vampire kept running around telling every woman he met that he wanted to suck their butt.

A Tedious Chinchilla Snake

Hard Of Herring #5

I pulled into the drive-thru of a local fast food restaurant yesterday. I swear, the people that work there are as dumb as a bag of fertilizer and not half as useful. I got to the speaker and said:

"I want a cheeseburger, small fry, and a medium vanilla shake."

She responded, "That's a sneeze booger, a wall fly, and a tedious chinchilla snake. Your total is great shifty heaven. Will that be all?"

I repeated my order.

She responded, "A squeeze Luger, crawl spy, and a devious gorilla quake?"

I went home and opened a can of soup.

Till Breath Do You Fart

Hard Of Herring #4

My nephew Kevin got married yesterday. It was a nice wedding. His bride looked beautiful. Everything was going great until they got to the vows.

"Do you, Kevin, take this walrus to see your awfully breaded fife? To tug on her in outrage, in quick bliss and in stealth, four letter or four curse, for pitcher or for pourer, as strong as you both shed skin, till breath do you fart?"

Even Kevin's response was unorthodox:

"Igloo."

The minister concluded:

"You may piss with pride," and then Kevin and the bride locked lips.

Is this even going to be legal?

Et tu, Beatles?

Hard Of Herring #3

Ever heard of the Mandela Effect? It's what the internet calls a phenomenon where many people remember things as being a certain way but it turns out to be something different. The 'net is replete with examples.

But The Beatles? Somehow all their old songs are different now. My favorite, "Lady Madonna" has somehow morphed into "Lazy Mahatma," "Eleanor Rigby" has become "Every Whore Digs Me," and "Come Together" turned into "Kung Fu Feather."

And others have changed too:

"I Want To Mold Your Gland"
"All You Peed Is Blood"
"Gay Flipper"

It is seriously enough to drive you bonkers.

Springs And Sparrows

Hard Of Herring #2

I went to see an amateur production of "Hamlet" at a local theater last night. It was awful. Apparently, the guy playing the Danish Prince didn't have a clue what Shakespeare had written. Here's some of the actor's soliloquy:

"To bleat or not to bleat, that is the queer son. Whether 'tis nostril in the mire to submerge the springs and sparrows of our raging forklift, or to rake farms against a seed of truffles and by abusing spend them."

I went to the box office and asked for my money back. The man said, "I'm sloppy, sir, no reefers."

Your Herring Is Impaled

Hard Of Herring #1

My physician, Dr. Duck, is a real quack. I was having a burning sensation when I peed, so I went to get checked out. He told me I had a ladder inspection. I tried to tell him I don't even own a ladder. He said he'd rape me out a prediction.

He asked if I'd ever had a herring fest. I told him I wasn't big on fish. He stuck a light in both my ears. He told me I had some tacks impaling my herring. I doubted that you could impale herring on tacks, but I'm not a doctor.