"Edinburgh Tour" drabbles by Robbie Porter

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Calton Hill

Edinburgh Tour #5

If you want to take in the sights then Calton Hill’s your place. From here you can survey Auld Reekie from Holyrood (the palace and the parliament) to the castle and beyond.

The Hill’s a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Here is the half-finished National Monument, the Nelson Memorial, the Observatory, the Old Calton Burial Ground and more.

The Hill’s eclectic; that is to say, it reminds me slightly of one of those muddled places were old Soviet era statues were dumped when Lenin and the rest of the gang went out of favour.

But, somehow, it still fits together.

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Kirk o'Field

Edinburgh Tour #4

Edinburgh University’s Old College stands on the site of Kirk o’Field, where Henry Lord Darnley was blown to smithereens by a faction of the Scottish nobility.

At school they taught us about Darnley. His poxy face reflected a corrupt and dissolute man; it was a good Catholic school, and Darnley was a Protestant that had led astray a Good Catholic Queen.

He was certainly an unsympathetic character. Even his wife wanted him dead. Queen Mary heard the explosion when his house went up. Darnley fled the building, but was thwarted in his escape.

He was throttled with his own nightdress.

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Burke and Hare

Edinburgh Tour #3

Burke and Hare filled a niche market, albeit for fresh corpses at a time before the Anatomy Acts made them more available. The duo chose their victims from Edinburgh’s underclass; Hare held them down, whilst Burke sat on them until death intervened. ‘Burking’ became a verb.

The West Port murders were committed in the shadow of the castle, but the paying customers were the New Town’s medical men and anatomists. None asked any questions.

Ten pounds for each body.

Eventually greed and carelessness led Burke to the gallows, hanged after Hare turned King’s Evidence.

His corpse was sent for dissection.

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Princes Street

Edinburgh Tour #2

For me growing up, Edinburgh was Princes Street.

It was another world, although we never really went further than C & A with its escalators and moving doors.

It was exotic too, with the castle on its rock and Sir Walter in his monument.

Princes Street fronted up the New Town, all enlightened modernity in marked contrast to Auld Reekie over the way.

I never belonged in this Edinburgh of conceited bankers and smug corporate headquarters. Polite chat with strained vowels in Jenner’s Tearoom wasn’t really my bag.

I was attracted to the dark, seedy, vibrant underbelly of another Edinburgh.

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Greyfriars Kirkyard

Edinburgh Tour #1

I used to eat my bridies in this world of the dead. I preferred their company.

They piled so many in, the kirkyard sits higher than the church. Hill’s daguerreotypes show it hasn’t changed an iota since 1845.

After they cut Captain Porteous down from his pole in yonder Grassmarket they brought him here. Regent Morton’s spot is marked by what looks suspiciously like a stone stake hammered into the earth.

And Bobby. Everyone comes to see Bobby.

At dusk tourists leave and ghost hunters arrive. Today's spectres vie with heroin addicts over who gets to kip in the tombs.