"Deer oh deer" drabbles by Neville Hunt

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Deer departed

Deer oh deer #6

“So who did you see at the pub?” she asked casually as I walked in.

“Nobody. I’d thought Steve or Keith might be there....”

“But they weren’t!” she interrupted, adding, “Which pub did you go to?”

I wasn’t so stupid as to fall into this trap. Or was I?

“White Horse, where else?”

“Somewhere you needed to drive to.”

Sheeet!! I’d been rumbled. But she was more concerned I might have been drink-driving (which I hadn’t) than my pub choice. Phew!

The very next day I returned to my deer dumping ditch. To my amazement, the deer had disappeared.

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Dead of night

Deer oh deer #5

New Year’s Day was a holiday. Not the day to sneak away surreptitiously. We were having a nice day on our own, presumably to help me recover from the night before. I had other plans, but they had to wait until after dark.

Feigning tidying up outside, I snuck out around 9pm. I guessed I wasn’t fooling anyone. She thought I was sneaking out for a quick pint at the White Horse. But I was fooling her!

Me and the deer shot off into the night. New country lane. New ditch. Pulled up. Pulled out. Ditched!

Goodbye my old deer!

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Gutted! (or maybe not)

Deer oh deer #4

The body blow that was Jeremy’s assertion was of the same order of magnitude as that which must have despatched the deer. The deer wasn’t, but I was gutted! What to do now?

I didn’t press Jeremy over what might happen if one hadn’t gutted the brute. I think I knew that it would either give me bad guts, or taste like bad guts.

The deer must disappear! But how, when and where? And how long before Mrs H saw it, screamed and gave me serious earache? And after the maximum seven days, how long before the smell became unbearable?...

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Oh deer!

Deer oh deer #3

The deer hung in my garage until New Year’s Eve. Party time!

We went to Dave’s farmhouse for New Year. Sixteen of us always had a great time there. Dave’s brother-in-law Jeremy was there. Jeremy knew a thing or two about game; he’d shot a few deer in his time. I took him to one side and buttonholed him about how long to let my deer hang.

“About five to seven days in a cool place should do it.”

Yes! still in time.

“Of course you’ve removed it’s guts? That must be done immediately after the kill!”

’Shiiiiiit!’

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Hanging around

Deer oh deer #2

My wife is quite squeamish. She runs a mile from the sight of blood. Me and the kids could have bled to death had we ever had bad accidents.

Our freezer was located in the garage. Her job was very demanding, so trips outside to the freezer were frequent. Open the door... turn right for the freezer, left for the dead deer. Inexplicably, over the next few days she didn’t notice the large animal dripping blood into a bucket. She doesn't always notice things, and it was a very untidy garage.

Like all good venison, I let the blighter hang...

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Hung up, are you dear?

Deer oh deer #1

Boxing Day. We were returning from a family Christmas in Suffolk. As we dropped down into our village, I spied a large roe deer lying at the side of the road. Mrs H was asleep. I was alert.

I took my wife home and excused myself to go out back, collected my boneshaker car, and went back to collect the beast. It was bloody heavy, and, close to midnight... nobody to help, or see.

With some effort I sneaked it into our large, high garage and hung the brute by its hind legs.

But my wife had hang-ups too....