"Berserko The Clown" drabbles by Christopher
The Magician
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown was phoned recently by a magician who wanted to know if Berserko was interested in forming a double-act.
"Mr. Berserko? My name is Harry Pedo. I'm a magician who works children's birthday parties under the name Mr. Pedo. Unfortunately, I haven't been getting many gigs."
I wonder why? Berserko thought.
"Would you consider joining up with me? We could tag team these children," Pedo said.
"I'm sorry. I work alone."
"I was thinking of starting a podcast about magic for children. I'd call it The Pedo File."
"Good luck with that," Berserko said and hung up.
Fruit
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown was at the local fruit stand talking to the man who ran it. A woman with green hair and more metal in her face than Robby the Robot walked up.
Berserko continued talking to the man.
"I prefer mangoes to oranges."
The woman looked offended.
"So, why do you hate oranges then?"
Berserko was taken aback.
"Did I say that?"
She continued. "And what about excluding bananas? Pineapples? Grapefruit?"
"We weren't even talking about those fruits!"
"And what about vegetables?"
"You're right. I'll switch to vegetables, because I doubt I'll ever come across another fruit like you!"
Magic
Berserko the Clown
Berserko was at the local recreational center checking for any upcoming birthday parties when he spotted Bizarro the Magician. He hated Bizarro and tried to avoid him, but couldn't.
"Berserko! Lemme show you a magic trick. What's your age?"
"38," Berserko said.
"Okay. Now add five to that. Then add 10. Then subtract 15 and you've got your age. Spooky, huh?"
"All you did was add 15 to my age and then subtract it. That isn't magic. It's mathematics."
"It's magic."
"Okay, Bizarro....Lemme show you a magic trick."
"Cool!"
"Lemme show you how fast I can disappear from this place!"
Mother's Day
Berserko the Clown
Berserko went to pay a visit to his mother. He sighed, knocking on the door.
"Yeah, yeah, hold your friggin' horses! I'm comin'!" was the response from the other side of the door.
It swung open.
"Well, well, well! My bouncing baby boy has come to pay his old mother a visit, huh?"
"Hello, Ma," Berserko said, handing her a bouquet of roses.
"Where have you been?" she asked.
"I've been busy."
"Ha! You make balloon animals for kids' birthday parties. Doesn't exactly make you a captain of industry!"
"See you next year, Ma," Berserko said as he walked away.
Pillow Talk
Berserko the Clown
Berserko woke up after getting drunk at a party. He left with a couple of girls named Barbara and Linda. When he opened his eyes he was staring at a girl, who smiled at him.
"Barbara," he said, fairly confident that this one was actually Barbara, "I've never felt this way before. I know you're the only girl for me."
"Sorry," Barbara said, "but I don't feel the same way."
He turned over and looked at Linda.
"Linda, I've never felt this way before. I know you're the only..."
Linda interrupted, "I heard everything you just said, you stupid clown!"
You Betcha!
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown ran into his old clown college professor at a New Year's Eve party.
"Hey, Teach!" Berserko said, extending his hand.
"Berserko! How the hell are ya?" he responded as he clasped Berserko's hand.
"Doing well," he replied.
"Did you ever kick that gambling addiction you had? Man, you used to stand on street corners and bet who was going to run the Stop sign!"
"I'm all done with that now," Berserko said proudly.
"Really? I'll bet you $1000 you can't go a day without betting."
"You're on!" Berserko said.
"You lost," the professor grinned.
"Damnit!" Berserko yelled.
The Next-Door Neighbor
Berserko the Clown
Berserko was appalled when he read some of the mean things that his next-door neighbor Becky Tindal had written about him:
"He's disturbing. A professional clown that looks more like a serial killer. He must terrify kids at their birthday parties. And he stands too close to me when I see him on the street in front our houses, violating my personal space. He's just pushy and meddlesome."
Berserko was incensed by this as he thought Pushy and meddlesome? Violating her personal space? Ridiculous!
He quietly closed Becky's diary and slipped out of her bedroom before she woke up.
The Orphanage
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown had a gig at an orphanage on the outskirts of town. He actually felt sorry for the kids as he arrived. The place had seen better days and was in serious need of repair. The kids looked sullen and malnourished. But he did his best to entertain them.
But the condition of the orphanage preyed upon his mind until he finally went downtown to talk to someone in the mayor's office.
"I don't understand, Mr. Berserko," the assistant said. "That orphanage was demolished 30 years ago and was never rebuilt."
Not much frightens Berserko.
But that did.
Speed Dating with Berserko
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown grudgingly accepted a friend's invitation to a speed dating session at a local coffee shop. The participants engaged in rapid-fire encounters with one another until a bell rang and they switched tables...
Date: So, what do you do for a living?
Berserko: (looking down at his clown costume) I'm a politician, lady.
(Ding!)
Date: Who'd you vote for?
Berserko: Your mother!
(Ding!)
Date: What kind of music do you like?
Berserko: Any kind that will drown out incessant questions by stupid women.
(Ding!)
Berserko got fed up and left, heading downtown to pick up a prostitute.
Next!
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown sat waiting for his interview. It was for a cushy gig at an amusement park. He saw one of his rivals, Lamo the Clown, being interviewed ahead of him.
What a joke, he thought. He can't even make balloon animals.
The interviewer yelled "Next!" as Lamo walked by Berserko and grinned.
Berserko handed the lady his resumé.
"Well, Mr. Berserko, your resumé is impressive. Tell me...what do you think is your biggest character flaw?"
"I'm too honest," Berserko said.
"I don't think honesty is a character flaw."
"I don't give a shit what you think, lady."
"Next!"
Don't Bank On It
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown entered the First National Bank and asked the pretty teller for 10 dollars out of his account.
"I'm sorry, sir, withdrawals less than $100 must be done via the ATM outside."
"What? You can't just give me the ten bucks?" he asked, incensed.
She shook her head.
"Okay," he said, "I want to withdraw a thousand dollars from my account, in one dollar bills."
The teller looked disgusted but, after a time, she had the thousand dollars, all in ones.
Berserko took ten dollars out, handed her $990 and said, "Deposit this back in my account, please."
Windfall
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown was walking downtown when he spotted a man frantically searching the sidewalk.
"What's going on?" Berserko asked.
"My wallet! I dropped it! It had $500.00 in it! What am I going to do?" the man yelled as he got down on his knees and looked in the gutter.
Berserko couldn't stand to see this.
"Mister, I can spare a little. Here's fifty dollars."
Berserko handed him the money, wished him luck, and continued walking.
He was feeling good. He could afford it anyway.
After all, he'd just found $500.00 that some careless bastard dropped on the sidewalk!
Career Day
Berserko the Clown
"Students, today's speaker is someone you might've had performing at your birthday party. Please welcome Berserko the Clown!"
Berserko stepped into the classroom to a smattering of applause.
"Thanks for that rousing welcome. You know, when I was a kid they gave us a test to see what career we might be suited for. They asked us to unscramble the letters NPIES and said it's a body part most useful when erect. All the kids who said SPINE became doctors. Only one boy said PENIS."
"What does he do now?" a girl asked.
Berserko grinned, "You're looking at it, kid!"
If You Can't Take The Heat...
Berserko the Clown
Berserko the Clown was walking down the street on his way to a gig, a birthday party for a ten-year-old, when he noticed a large crowd gathered, with a flannel-shirt wearing feminist speaking through a bullhorn.
"Kitchens are a centuries-old symbol of female subservience to the male patriarchy! They should be outlawed!"
The crowd cheered their agreement as Berserko shouted back, "Then where will we store and prepare all our food?"
The woman stammered, "Well...well...well...You're an oppressive Nazi! Get him!"
The crowd turned as Berserko ran down the street, which wasn't easy in his floppy shoes!
Trannysaurus Rex
Berserko the Clown
Berserko was hired to perform at a club called Fluid. He arrived and set up. He thought the women were quite ugly, then noticed stubble on one of their chins.
"Wait a minute! Is this one of those trans-testicle clubs? I'm not performing here!" he said, gathering his things.
A voice yelled, "Get Rex from the back!"
A huge black man in a pink mini-skirt and a long red wig approached Berserko and said, "You cashed our check. D'you perform or do I take our money back outta yo' ass?"
Berserko smiled, turned and started making balloon animals.
Pearly Whites And Family Jewels
Berserko the Clown
Berserko hated going to the dentist. But he had a bad tooth that he couldn't ignore anymore and finally made the appointment.
He sweated nervously in the waiting room, white makeup on his face running.
He eventually got back to see the dentist, who examined and x-rayed him.
"Well, Mr. Berserko, I'm afraid that tooth's going to have to be extracted."
Berserko winced and then said "Okay, doc" as he reached down and grabbed a handful of the doctor's gonads.
"But, you're holding my testicles," the doctor said.
Berserko grinned, "And we're not gonna hurt each other, are we?"
Peers Of A Clown
Berserko the Clown
Berserko walked into the gymnasium of his old school for his 30th high school reunion. He skipped the 10th and 20th and was going to skip this one but he heard his old sweetheart was recently divorced and he thought he might rekindle the romance.
But he quickly realizes his mistake when he's jilted by his former girlfriend and ostracized by the entire graduating class. They laugh and make honking noises as he leaves.
But Berserko wasn't letting it go. He sealed all the exits from the outside and then set the gym on fire.
Who's laughing now? he thought.
Berserko's Tweets (3/3)
Berserko the Clown
Outside Berserko the Clown's house.
2:34 PM 23 Apr 2020
Cops repeatedly knock on the door.
"Mr. Berserko? Can you hear me? We had a report that you insinuated on social media you were going to take your life. Are you okay?"
Silence.
"Break the door down, Harrison," the cop said.
The door splintered and broke away. They rushed in to find Berserko on his couch, a bottle of pills on the coffee table. The paramedics rushed in.
Berserko jerked awake, "What the hell is going on? Can't a man take a couple of Tylenol PM's and sleep in peace??!!"
Berserko's Tweets (2/3)
Berserko the Clown
I'm goin' stir crazy
12:33 AM 18 Apr 2020
My neighbor sounds like he's having a party. That bastard isn't following the protocols.
1:37 AM 18 Apr 2020
Broke the social distancing guidelines by barging into my neighbor's house and punching him in the face and then running his party guests off with a garden hose
3:48 AM 18 Apr 2020
Been away a few days. Feeling very depressed
9:34 PM 21 Apr 2020
Can't take this anymore
7:31 PM 22 Apr 2020
Just toook some pillls. Neeed to shhut the world off Goood byee
11:37 PM 22 Apr 2020
Berserko's Tweets (1/3)
Berserko the Clown
Quarantine is driving me up the frigging wall
1:32 AM 15 Apr 2020
Had to sign up online for unemployment today. Never done that in my life
8:57 PM 15 Apr 2020
I miss performing for the kids and seeing the tears streaming down their faces from...laughter
12:38 AM 16 Apr 2020
How much longer are we going to shut the f*cking world down over a virus?
6:21 PM 16 Apr 2020
Went in the backyard and started shooting at squirrels with rubber bands and the little bastards formed an attack group and jumped me!
7:23 PM 17 Apr 2020
