Here's a word from Parapraxis, everyone's favorite lingerie company:
Gentlemen, are you tired of wondering what's on your woman's mind? Do you think that what she's saying is actually what she means?
Well, wonder no more!
Space age technology, mixed with a little good old-fashioned black magic, has created a fabric that forces your lady to reveal everything she's been keeping hidden. Take all the guess work out of your relationship with Freudian Slips.
Four great colors:
Baby Blue Blunder
and Green Gaffe
Freudian Slips. Saying one thing but meaning your mother... I mean another!
Back by popuwar demand! Wooney Tunes Wecords pwesents Elmer Fudd Sings The Beatles Vowume 2! Elmer gives you even more cwassics by Wennon & McCawtney, incwuding:
I Am The Wawwus!
She Wuvs You!
Sgt. Pepper's Wonewy Hearts Cwub Band!
Ticket To Wide!
Elmer even tackles Geowge Hawwison's songs, incwuding:
Old Bwown Shoe and Bwue Jay Way!
He even duets with none other than Wingo Staww on With A Wittle Help Fwom My Fwiends!
This pwessing is wimited to one hundwed thousand copies. Don't miss out on owning this one-of-a-kind cowwector's item!
Wooney Tunes Wecords pwoudwy pwesents Elmer Fudd Sings The Beatles!
"Penny Wane thewe is a bawber showing photogwaphs of evewy head he's had the pweasure to know..."
Thwill to those exciting tunes of the past!
"We all wive in a Yewwow Submawine, Yewwow Submawine, Yewwow Submawine..."
The hits just keep on coming!
"She was a Day Twipper, Sunday dwiver, yeah..."
"Pictuwe youwself in a boat on a wiver, with tangewine twees and mawmawade skies, somebody calls you, you answer quite swowwy, the giwl with kaweidoscope eyes... Wucy in the sky with diamonds..."
Quantities wimited! Act fast! Order now!
Now here's a word from Imen Helle, owner of Helle Toupée...
"Losing your hair isn't fun. It isn't pleasant. In fact, it's hell.
"Here at Helle Toupée we can customize a skull rug that you'll be proud to wear. It's made from your own hair: arms, legs, back, pubes, any place we can get it. And they're practically undetectable. Extensive tests were done in bars and nightclubs. Out of 100 women only 3 correctly identified the toupée, and only one woman thought it was a beaver making love to the man's head.
"Remember, when you start going bald...there's Helle Toupée!"
Here's a word for Crazy Larry's Cut-Rate Crematorium...
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. We can't do anything about the dust but we can sure turn your fallen loved ones into a heap of smoldering ashes!
"Hi, folks. Larry Kadaver here, owner and operator of Crazy Larry's Cut-Rate Crematorium. When you have a death in the family don't let your finances go up in smoke, come see me. We have a burning desire to satisfy all your cremation needs at a low price.
"Cremation's our fiery passion. Visit the Cut-Rate Crematorium and let us urn your business!"
Tonight on SuxTV:
"Join me, Will Doublecross, for everyone's favorite game show. Will you refuse to compromise your values or will you..."
(Crowd yells in unison) "Sell Out!"
"Yes, every moral, every belief, every principle you hold dear will be put to the test on Sell Out. We take two contestants, trawl their social media accounts, their e-mails and their very lives to find out who they are and what they believe. Then we subject them to intense public scrutiny to see if they Sell Out!
"Sell Out. Where we march every sacred cow straight to the butcher shop!"
Now a word from the folks at the Bigass Trucking Co.:
"Hello, friends. Ivy Bigass here, owner of the Bigass Trucking Co. My father, Hugh Bigass, started this company with one Bigass and a dream. Now, there are more Bigass trucks on the road than at any time in our company's history. One day, my son will take over and be in charge of all these Bigasses."
"Remember, when you have goods to haul you need a Bigass to haul them around in. So put what you've got in our Bigass and we'll give you a ride you'll never forget."
Tonight on Sux TV, it's another winning season of Shooting Stars...
Join host Tommy Gunn as he drops eight ordinary people on a disease-ridden tropical island, armed to the tits, and watch as they hunt down everyone's favorite Hollywood celebrities: actors Ben Aflac, Idris Elbow and Benedict Cucumberpatch; music artists such as rappers Kenya West and Cardiac B, Grammy-winning screecher Lady CaCa, Carrie Underwear and Christina Alligator.
Narcissistic celebrities, not known for sharing anything, must work together to stay alive and win money for their chosen charities.
Join us for the fun on Shooting Stars! Tonight at 7...
The following is a paid political advertisement to elect General Panic:
"Ten-hut! General Panic here. After a lifetime of waging needless wars all over the globe I've come back to throw my hat in the ring for president. My running mate, Major Catastrophe, and I have roamed the length and breadth of this great land and we've learned something: Americans are motivated by fear! So it's my job to scare the utter hell outta you so you'll vote for me!
"Remember, a vote for General Panic will be a Major Catastrophe!
"I'm General Panic and I approved this message."
Here's political pundit Flip Flopper to speak for Ballots.org:
"Voting used to be a real drag. You had to stand in line to register, then stand in line to vote. Worst of all, you could only vote once. Now, thanks to a virus from China, we're making voting a snap. Log-on to Ballots.org, print out a ballot, fill it out in your home with zero supervision, and send it to us in the mail.
"A lot of corrupt politicians gave their central nervous systems to give you the right to vote as many times as your conscience lets you!"
Now here's New York socialite Ivy League to speak for Ivory Towers Condominiums...
"Darlings, hello! Are you tired of dealing with the ghastly unwashed masses while being chauffeured from your penthouse to the country club? Tired of wading through the proletariat to eat at that five-star restaurant?
"Well, darlings, now you don't have to! The newly opened Ivory Towers is just the place for you. A high-rise featuring everything that you need to live a pretentious life without ever even leaving the building.
"Remember, once you're in your own Ivory Tower you'll never want to come down again!"
Now here's Dr. Ima Fukup, star of the brand new Sux TV reality series Therapy With Fukup...
"Herro. Due to flivorous marplactice suit I no ronger able to continue psychorogy plactice in the U.S.
"So, I had two choices: leturn to a-Japan or become leality TV star, where medical ricense not lequired.
"Which means you can-a now find me on evely Sunday night on a-Sux TV in my new show Therapy With Fukup, where I continue to help sclewed up people such as youself.
"So, join-a me this Sunday night on Sux TV. No appointment necessaly!"
Tonight on Sux TV:
A hard-hitting look at life on the streets for the Grammar Police...
"Freeze, punk! Drop that smartphone!"
"Hey, man, I'se just postin' sumthin' on Twitta! I didn't do nothin'!"
"That's a double negative, pal. Didn't do nothing means you did do something! We've got the evidence: syntax and punctuation errors, dangling modifiers, sentence fragments. You're under arrest."
Ride with the real Grammar Police as they cruise the mean streets of the information superhighway...
"Yeah, we'll take him downtown and book him tonight and tomorrow he'll be right back on social media ending sentences with prepositions."
Now here's gangster Anthony "Lead Pipe" Gomma to speak for Mafia Gum:
"Hey...youse chew gum? Well, if youse chew gum then youse chew Mafia Gum. It's good for ya teeth. Youse don't chew Mafia Gum...and well... bad things could happen to ya teeth...capisce? Chewin' Mafia Gum helps ya keep ya teeth healthy. Youse don't chew it and I can't guarantee that something bad won't happen to ya teeth. Four outta five dentists recommend chewin' Mafia Gum. And that fifth dentist? Heh, well, he ain't in no position to recommend nuttin' ta nobody no more!
"Rememba, chew Mafia Gum... Or else!"
Now here's spokesman Fred Flawed for Recall.com:
"Ever wonder where all those recalled products wind up? Well, wonder no more. We have them all in our giant warehouse at Recall.com and we're ready to pass the savings on to you! If you're looking to save a crapload of money, and you don't mind risking your life in the process, then we're the place for you! We have thousands of defective and dangerous products at rock bottom prices. Log on to Recall.com and start shopping!"
Not available in CA, NY or any other state that gives a damn about consumer safety.
Now here's Stoney Spliff with a word for Cannabliss...
"Hey, babies...Stoney Spliff here... Do ya ever...get, uh, like tired of rolling up doobies? Do you wish...you didn't have to expend the limited energy you have on...making your own joints? Well, let me tell you, babies, the fine folks at Ganja Breweries have got ya covered. Now, getting lit is as easy as popping the top on a Cannabliss. Yeah, babies, Cannabliss is the new beer with that special ingredient...more THC than the combined bloodstreams of everyone at Woodstock.
"So weed out the competition and get the straight dope on Cannabliss."
Hello, Johnny Fibber here, president of the Pathological Liars Club. We're holding our annual convention this year at the Playboy Mansion. Entertainment will be a supergroup consisting of all the surviving members of The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. And The Rolling Stones will open the show playing the entire Sticky Fingers album backwards.
Also, door prizes will be given away to several lucky attendees, including a BMW, a nuclear submarine, the Hope Diamond, and a grand prize of one billion dollars. Prizes will be awarded by a topless Dolly Parton.
Tickets are $1,000.00. Get 'em while they last.
"Since you can't do ethnic humor, religious jokes, midget jokes, cripple jokes or anything else that's actually funny, we'll show you proven gags from the early days of Vaudeville: pratfalls, spit takes, walking down stairs that aren't there, anything you can do to tickle someone's funny bone without raising their ire.
"You know, being a comedian's hard when the unwashed masses take everything out of context and look for something to be offended by. So either go to the Schlock Comedian's School or become a mortician. Either way your clientele are a bunch of stiffs!"
Now here's a word from antique jokester Hammond Rye for the Schlock Comedian's School:
"Howareya, howareya, howareya?! Hammond Rye here, speaking for my cousin Hammond Wholewheat! Can I get a rimshot here?"
"Thank you. I've just flown in from Pittsburgh and, boy, are my arms tired!"
"Thank you. Here at the Schlock Comedian's School we'll teach you everything we know. Semesters last about five minutes!"
"Thank you. In the modern age of everyone being offended by everything, we'll teach you to be a comedian in the classic sense of the word..."
The following preview is approved for ***** audiences...
***** Pictures presents an exposé about **** and the dangers of ****. You'll **** on the edge of your **** as you walk the line between **** and ****. Never has a picture revealed **** in such a way. This **** film will shock you to your very ****.
Filmed on location in **** and featuring the music of ****.
Based on the novel **** by noted author **** and starring ****, ****, and introducing **** as the ****.
Rated ****. Starts **** at a **** near you. Check **** for details.