Now here's gangster Anthony "Lead Pipe" Gomma to speak for Mafia Gum:
"Hey...youse chew gum? Well, if youse chew gum then youse chew Mafia Gum. It's good for ya teeth. Youse don't chew Mafia Gum...and well... bad things could happen to ya teeth...capisce? Chewin' Mafia Gum helps ya keep ya teeth healthy. Youse don't chew it and I can't guarantee that something bad won't happen to ya teeth. Four outta five dentists recommend chewin' Mafia Gum. And that fifth dentist? Heh, well, he ain't in no position to recommend nuttin' ta nobody no more!
"Rememba, chew Mafia Gum... Or else!"
Now here's spokesman Fred Flawed for Recall.com:
"Ever wonder where all those recalled products wind up? Well, wonder no more. We have them all in our giant warehouse at Recall.com and we're ready to pass the savings on to you! If you're looking to save a crapload of money, and you don't mind risking your life in the process, then we're the place for you! We have thousands of defective and dangerous products at rock bottom prices. Log on to Recall.com and start shopping!"
Not available in CA, NY or any other state that gives a damn about consumer safety.
Now here's Stoney Spliff with a word for Cannabliss...
"Hey, babies...Stoney Spliff here... Do ya ever...get, uh, like tired of rolling up doobies? Do you wish...you didn't have to expend the limited energy you have on...making your own joints? Well, let me tell you, babies, the fine folks at Ganja Breweries have got ya covered. Now, getting lit is as easy as popping the top on a Cannabliss. Yeah, babies, Cannabliss is the new beer with that special ingredient...more THC than the combined bloodstreams of everyone at Woodstock.
"So weed out the competition and get the straight dope on Cannabliss."
Hello, Johnny Fibber here, president of the Pathological Liars Club. We're holding our annual convention this year at the Playboy Mansion. Entertainment will be a supergroup consisting of all the surviving members of The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. And The Rolling Stones will open the show playing the entire Sticky Fingers album backwards.
Also, door prizes will be given away to several lucky attendees, including a BMW, a nuclear submarine, the Hope Diamond, and a grand prize of one billion dollars. Prizes will be awarded by a topless Dolly Parton.
Tickets are $1,000.00. Get 'em while they last.
"Since you can't do ethnic humor, religious jokes, midget jokes, cripple jokes or anything else that's actually funny, we'll show you proven gags from the early days of Vaudeville: pratfalls, spit takes, walking down stairs that aren't there, anything you can do to tickle someone's funny bone without raising their ire.
"You know, being a comedian's hard when the unwashed masses take everything out of context and look for something to be offended by. So either go to the Schlock Comedian's School or become a mortician. Either way your clientele are a bunch of stiffs!"
Now here's a word from antique jokester Hammond Rye for the Schlock Comedian's School:
"Howareya, howareya, howareya?! Hammond Rye here, speaking for my cousin Hammond Wholewheat! Can I get a rimshot here?"
"Thank you. I've just flown in from Pittsburgh and, boy, are my arms tired!"
"Thank you. Here at the Schlock Comedian's School we'll teach you everything we know. Semesters last about five minutes!"
"Thank you. In the modern age of everyone being offended by everything, we'll teach you to be a comedian in the classic sense of the word..."
The following preview is approved for ***** audiences...
***** Pictures presents an exposé about **** and the dangers of ****. You'll **** on the edge of your **** as you walk the line between **** and ****. Never has a picture revealed **** in such a way. This **** film will shock you to your very ****.
Filmed on location in **** and featuring the music of ****.
Based on the novel **** by noted author **** and starring ****, ****, and introducing **** as the ****.
Rated ****. Starts **** at a **** near you. Check **** for details.
Coming up tonight on Sux TV:
The season premiere of everyone's favorite game show Gender Confusion!
Join host Herma Frodite as she... I mean he... I mean they try to fool this week's contestants.
Is that burly voice coming from behind door number one a man's or a woman's?
Is that shapely leg sticking out from behind curtain number two attached to a woman's body... or a man's?
Make it to the final round and you'll go head-to-head against everyone's favorite gender fluid geriatric: Granny Tranny!
All that and more tonight on the season premiere of Gender Confusion!
Against abortion? Against people who are against abortion? Against gun control? Against people who are against gun control? Do you hate the other political party with such vehemence you could whip up an angry crowd into horrid acts of mindless violence?
Now you don't have to! Call Rent-A-Mob! We employ thousands of ex-cons who are pros at rousing the rabble. They come complete with their own vegetables to throw, and picket signs custom-made to fit your agenda, no matter how whacko it may be.
Don't send amateurs to incite a riot. Call Rent-A-Mob instead!
Here's adult film star Rod Steele...
"Ladies, are you tired of wasting time in bars and online dating sites searching for that perfect man? Convinced he doesn't exist? Then order him!
"One virtual trip to E-Male and you can customize your perfect man: personality, hair, eyes...and other body parts!
"Just log on and start building your perfect man today. All you need is $129.99, a 3-D printer and a wish list of attributes and you're ready to receive your soul mate, delivered right to your inbox. Then just print and have fun!
"E-Male. A very special delivery!"
Pentagram Pictures proudly presents...
"Damian Gehenna was an honest cop in a dishonest precinct. After being set up to take the fall by his crooked superiors, he hung himself in his cell. But that wasn't the end. It was only the beginning.
"After a demon inhabits Damian's body he sets about systematically eliminating those who did him wrong in the most elaborate and disgusting ways.
"Starring Jack Dullard as Damian, Candy Slutstack as Hannah the Hooker, and introducing rapper Lil Hemmroyd as the voice of the demon.
"Demon Cop.....Possession is 9/10 of the law!"
This film is not yet raided.
Here's golfer extraordinaire Bogey Divot:
"Tired of feeling guilty on Sunday about skipping church to hit the links? Worried about the ball of your soul once it drops in that big tin cup in the sky? Now you can combine your two favorite pastimes, God and golf, at Fairway To Heaven, everyone's favorite golf resort and megachurch!
"Our caddies are not only licensed golf pros but are also theological graduates. All denominations welcome. They'll even turn a deaf ear to your incessant cursing after a bad shot!
"Don't let guilt be your albatross, score a birdie at Fairway To Heaven!"
Now here's a word from Chuck Steaks, proprietor of NYC's premier nudie bar and steakhouse:
"Is dere any place on oith where a man can still feel like a man? You bet yer sweet ass, dere is! Right here at New York Strips, where men can enjoy dere two favorite pastimes: eating meat and watching naked women dance! Dat's right, but keep yer hands on the meat and off de ladies. Or our bouncer Angus Beef will toss you out on your rump roast! Plan your next vacation to the Big Apple by including a stop at New York Strips!"
Everyone's favorite 70's singing group is back for a family reunion tour!
Yes, the O'Schitt Brothers, Piece, Full, Crock and Pile are back on speaking terms, and thanks to the high cost of divorces, alimony, medical bills and rehab centers have agreed to put their many differences behind them and hit the road one more time!
Come join them for an evening of hits, including "I Hope You Burn In Hell You Two-Timing Bitch" and "You Broke My Heart (But I Broke Your Hymen)."
Also includes an appearance from their singing sister Bunch!
Don't dare miss this spectacle O'Schitt!
We'll be back to our afternoon movie, Hercules vs The Roller Derby Queens, after a short message from Otto's Used Autos:
"Greetings, freunde, Otto Bahn here. If you are looking for a dependable car at a price you can afford...you should probably look somevere else. Haha! Ein kleiner witz, freunde!
Seriously, ve have cars of every make and model here at Otto's Used Autos with more arriving nächtlich. Because of our low overhead, ve must move zese vehicles qvuickly, especially before any polizei come snooping around. Auf wiedersehen!"
Join us again tomorrow for The Giant Clam That Ate Phyllis Diller.
Here's Lou Keemeeya to speak for the Terminal Tobacco Company, makers of Endemall Cigarettes...
"Friends and fellow smokers, don't let fear mongering deprive you of one of the last true joys in life. Just because our cigarettes have more tar in them than the pits of La Brea is no reason to stop smoking. Extensive tests were done by our own team of physicians, led by leading expert Dr. Nick O'Teen, and found that smoking is no more dangerous than jumping into a pool of sharks while hemorrhaging."
Endemall. You've got one life, enjoy it...at least what's left of it!
Here's Shakespearean stage actor Dick Turban to speak for Sheep Gut Condoms:
"Is it not strange that sheep's guts should hale souls out of men’s
bodies? I uttered that line as Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing. Another use for sheep guts back in the day was that of contraception. Yes, they made reusable condoms out of sheep guts. Use it, wash it out, dry it, and use it again. If your ancestors had availed themselves of this method you might not even be here to try them! Put a lid on procreation the Victorian way with Sheep Gut Condoms!"
Hello. Although we doubt anyone will show up, we would like to invite everyone to our annual National Association of Yammering Skeptics convention, supposedly being held in the ballroom of the Dubious Hotel.
N.A.Y.S. was allegedly founded by Shirley Knott, although no evidence has surfaced that she ever actually existed.
N.A.Y.S. reportedly has over one million members, though no one has been able to substantiate that claim.
Rumor has it that legendary punk band The Puking Cynics will be performing, but that sounds rather suspicious to me.
Please come, reservations aren't needed. God knows we already have enough of those...
Now here's hip-hop star extraordinaire 'Lil Hemmroyd to speak for Omega Laxatives...
"Yo yo yo! 'Lil Hemmroyd here! There ain't nuthin' worse than being in the middle of a rap battle and having yo' creative forces be blocked. Da same can be said fo' yo' bowels. Now I can roll a big spliff and get my creativity flowing again, but dat don't help my ass, you feel me? Dat's why every alpha male needs Omega Laxatives. Pop one of deez 'lil chocolate squares in yo' mouth and you'll be goin' in no time!"
Omega Laxatives...Shit's about to get real!
20th Century Fux proudly presents:
Rod Steele as Dick Long, a man arrested for a crime he didn't commit...
Harry Bawls as the arresting officer, with a pistol no one wanted to cross...
Sandy Slit as the prosecuting attorney. Everyone loved her oral arguments...
Candy Slutstack as the Judge, who dispensed her own brand of justice...
The trial was unorthodox and shocking, but no one expected it to end in a... Hung Jury!
Written and directed by I.M. Purvurted.
"Coming" soon to a theatre near you. Check local listings for details. Rated D for Disgusting. No one under 69 admitted.