"And Now A Word From Our Sponsor" drabbles by Christopher

shapeshifter avatar

Gender Confusion

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #34

Coming up tonight on Sux TV:

The season premiere of everyone's favorite game show Gender Confusion!

Join host Herma Frodite as she... I mean he... I mean they try to fool this week's contestants.

Is that burly voice coming from behind door number one a man's or a woman's?

Is that shapely leg sticking out from behind curtain number two attached to a woman's body... or a man's?

Make it to the final round and you'll go head-to-head against everyone's favorite gender fluid geriatric: Granny Tranny!

All that and more tonight on the season premiere of Gender Confusion!

shapeshifter avatar

Rent-A-Mob

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #33

Against abortion? Against people who are against abortion? Against gun control? Against people who are against gun control? Do you hate the other political party with such vehemence you could whip up an angry crowd into horrid acts of mindless violence?

Now you don't have to! Call Rent-A-Mob! We employ thousands of ex-cons who are pros at rousing the rabble. They come complete with their own vegetables to throw, and picket signs custom-made to fit your agenda, no matter how whacko it may be.

Don't send amateurs to incite a riot. Call Rent-A-Mob instead!

shapeshifter avatar

E-Male

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #32

Here's adult film star Rod Steele...

"Ladies, are you tired of wasting time in bars and online dating sites searching for that perfect man? Convinced he doesn't exist? Then order him!

"One virtual trip to E-Male and you can customize your perfect man: personality, hair, eyes...and other body parts!

"Just log on and start building your perfect man today. All you need is $129.99, a 3-D printer and a wish list of attributes and you're ready to receive your soul mate, delivered right to your inbox. Then just print and have fun!

"E-Male. A very special delivery!"

shapeshifter avatar

Demon Cop

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #31

Pentagram Pictures proudly presents...

"Damian Gehenna was an honest cop in a dishonest precinct. After being set up to take the fall by his crooked superiors, he hung himself in his cell. But that wasn't the end. It was only the beginning.

"After a demon inhabits Damian's body he sets about systematically eliminating those who did him wrong in the most elaborate and disgusting ways.

"Starring Jack Dullard as Damian, Candy Slutstack as Hannah the Hooker, and introducing rapper Lil Hemmroyd as the voice of the demon.

"Demon Cop.....Possession is 9/10 of the law!"

This film is not yet raided.

shapeshifter avatar

Fairway To Heaven

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #30

Here's golfer extraordinaire Bogey Divot:

"Tired of feeling guilty on Sunday about skipping church to hit the links? Worried about the ball of your soul once it drops in that big tin cup in the sky? Now you can combine your two favorite pastimes, God and golf, at Fairway To Heaven, everyone's favorite golf resort and megachurch!

"Our caddies are not only licensed golf pros but are also theological graduates. All denominations welcome. They'll even turn a deaf ear to your incessant cursing after a bad shot!

"Don't let guilt be your albatross, score a birdie at Fairway To Heaven!"

shapeshifter avatar

New York Strips

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #29

Now here's a word from Chuck Steaks, proprietor of NYC's premier nudie bar and steakhouse:

"Is dere any place on oith where a man can still feel like a man? You bet yer sweet ass, dere is! Right here at New York Strips, where men can enjoy dere two favorite pastimes: eating meat and watching naked women dance! Dat's right, but keep yer hands on the meat and off de ladies. Or our bouncer Angus Beef will toss you out on your rump roast! Plan your next vacation to the Big Apple by including a stop at New York Strips!"

shapeshifter avatar

The O'Schitt Brothers Reunion Tour

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #28

Everyone's favorite 70's singing group is back for a family reunion tour!

Yes, the O'Schitt Brothers, Piece, Full, Crock and Pile are back on speaking terms, and thanks to the high cost of divorces, alimony, medical bills and rehab centers have agreed to put their many differences behind them and hit the road one more time!

Come join them for an evening of hits, including "I Hope You Burn In Hell You Two-Timing Bitch" and "You Broke My Heart (But I Broke Your Hymen)."

Also includes an appearance from their singing sister Bunch!

Don't dare miss this spectacle O'Schitt!

shapeshifter avatar

Grand Theft Otto

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #27

We'll be back to our afternoon movie, Hercules vs The Roller Derby Queens, after a short message from Otto's Used Autos:

"Greetings, freunde, Otto Bahn here. If you are looking for a dependable car at a price you can afford...you should probably look somevere else. Haha! Ein kleiner witz, freunde!

Seriously, ve have cars of every make and model here at Otto's Used Autos with more arriving nächtlich. Because of our low overhead, ve must move zese vehicles qvuickly, especially before any polizei come snooping around. Auf wiedersehen!"

Join us again tomorrow for The Giant Clam That Ate Phyllis Diller.

shapeshifter avatar

Endemall Cigarettes

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #26

Here's Lou Keemeeya to speak for the Terminal Tobacco Company, makers of Endemall Cigarettes...

"Friends and fellow smokers, don't let fear mongering deprive you of one of the last true joys in life. Just because our cigarettes have more tar in them than the pits of La Brea is no reason to stop smoking. Extensive tests were done by our own team of physicians, led by leading expert Dr. Nick O'Teen, and found that smoking is no more dangerous than jumping into a pool of sharks while hemorrhaging."

Endemall. You've got one life, enjoy it...at least what's left of it!

shapeshifter avatar

Sheep Gut Condoms

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #25

Here's Shakespearean stage actor Dick Turban to speak for Sheep Gut Condoms:

"Is it not strange that sheep's guts should hale souls out of men’s
bodies
? I uttered that line as Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing. Another use for sheep guts back in the day was that of contraception. Yes, they made reusable condoms out of sheep guts. Use it, wash it out, dry it, and use it again. If your ancestors had availed themselves of this method you might not even be here to try them! Put a lid on procreation the Victorian way with Sheep Gut Condoms!"

shapeshifter avatar

N.A.Y.S.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #24

Hello. Although we doubt anyone will show up, we would like to invite everyone to our annual National Association of Yammering Skeptics convention, supposedly being held in the ballroom of the Dubious Hotel.

N.A.Y.S. was allegedly founded by Shirley Knott, although no evidence has surfaced that she ever actually existed.

N.A.Y.S. reportedly has over one million members, though no one has been able to substantiate that claim.

Rumor has it that legendary punk band The Puking Cynics will be performing, but that sounds rather suspicious to me.

Please come, reservations aren't needed. God knows we already have enough of those...

shapeshifter avatar

Omega Laxatives

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #23

Now here's hip-hop star extraordinaire 'Lil Hemmroyd to speak for Omega Laxatives...

"Yo yo yo! 'Lil Hemmroyd here! There ain't nuthin' worse than being in the middle of a rap battle and having yo' creative forces be blocked. Da same can be said fo' yo' bowels. Now I can roll a big spliff and get my creativity flowing again, but dat don't help my ass, you feel me? Dat's why every alpha male needs Omega Laxatives. Pop one of deez 'lil chocolate squares in yo' mouth and you'll be goin' in no time!"

Omega Laxatives...Shit's about to get real!

shapeshifter avatar

Hung Jury

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #22

20th Century Fux proudly presents:

Rod Steele as Dick Long, a man arrested for a crime he didn't commit...

Harry Bawls as the arresting officer, with a pistol no one wanted to cross...

Sandy Slit as the prosecuting attorney. Everyone loved her oral arguments...

Candy Slutstack as the Judge, who dispensed her own brand of justice...

The trial was unorthodox and shocking, but no one expected it to end in a... Hung Jury!

Written and directed by I.M. Purvurted.

"Coming" soon to a theatre near you. Check local listings for details. Rated D for Disgusting. No one under 69 admitted.

shapeshifter avatar

Grinn and Barrett

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #21

Reuniting for a special engagement, it's everyone's favorite comedy team from the 1950's....Grinn and Barrett! Yes, the comedic legends are back together again for a 10-night stand at Seizure's Palace in glamorous Lost Wages, Nevada!

Bill Grinn, 93, and Stan Barrett, 91, are poised and ready to unleash their outdated and severely politically incorrect comedy on the modern world. Classic routines like "Jews on First" and "Manual Labor was a Mexican" will be sure to raise an inappropriate smile.

Reserve your tickets today, because these old dinosaurs may not be around tomorrow!

And be sure to Grinn and Barrett!

shapeshifter avatar

Serf City

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #20

Here's a word from Serf City...

"Let's go serfing now
Everybody's learning how
Come on a safari with meeee!"

"It's a serfing safari at everyone's favorite Middle Ages theme park dedicated to preserving feudalism! Live life the medieval way at Serf City! Thrill at the futility of life while enjoying institutionalized slavery! Eke out a meager existence while toiling in the fields for the lord of the manor! Harvest crops, dig ditches, and repair fences all while enjoying the yoke of bondage! All of this and much more can be yours with a purchase of a ticket to Serf City!"

shapeshifter avatar

The Bait-And-Switch Market

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #19

"Hey, friends. Will Conya here, manager of the Bait-And-Switch Market. Seen our advertisement in the Sunday paper offering prime rib at 49¢ a pound? Well, we're fresh outta that but we have prime emu meat that's every bit as good and only slightly more at $3.68 an ounce.

"That 4k LED Smart TV? Well, they didn't come in on the truck, but we have a 13" black-and-white television set you'll love, and only costs a smidgen more than the smart TV.

"Take a ride down to Bait-And-Switch Market and get taken for a ride!"

shapeshifter avatar

It's Tanfastic!

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #18

And now here's a word from the fine folks at It's Tanfastic!:

"Greetings, all you pasty chalk sticks! I'm Tawny Chestnut, owner of the It's Tanfastic! chain of tanning salons. If you want a tan really fast, and you don't care what it's doing to your insides, then come on down and hop in one of our state-of-the-art microwave tanning beds. We tan you so deep even your soul turns a darker shade.

"Ignore all the warnings by the FDA, the AMA, and your own common sense and get the tan you've always wanted.

"Remember, It's Tanfastic!"

shapeshifter avatar

Disappearing Inc.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #17

Are you being hounded by creditors? Are you wanted by the law? Do you have a spouse and kids that annoy the hell out of you? Or do you just need some "me" time?

Hello. Van Ish here, CEO of Disappearing Inc. If you wanna go off the grid and you have an assload of money to pay for it, we can help you.

Our staff is skilled at erasing any trace that you ever existed, and will provide you with a new identity that's harder to crack than a diamond walnut encased in steel.

Contact us today
@ disappearinginc.com

shapeshifter avatar

Brimstone Coffee

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #16

Tom: Welcome to Hell, kid. Just arrived?

John: Yep.

(A demon hands John a cup of coffee)

John: (disgustedly) Geez! What's that smell?

(Looks down and sees he's standing knee-deep in muck)

Tom: It's manure, kid. Have some of your Brimstone Coffee.

John: (looking into the cup) It's yellow!

Tom: Whaddya expect, kid? It's sulfur.

(Fifteen minutes later)

John: You know, the java isn't too good, but standing around knee-deep in manure drinking coffee for all eternity isn't so bad. I could think of worse.

(The Devil walks up)

Devil: Coffee break's over. Everyone back on their heads.

shapeshifter avatar

"Lifestyles..." Promo

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor #15

Next time on "Lifestyles of the Stupidly Rich & Undeservedly Famous":

Join me, Cash Bankroll, as we take a hard-hitting look at international celebrity Candy Slutstack, spokesbimbo for Lipschitz Lipstick, and all-around waste of good oxygen. Candy slept her way to the top, and has spent more time on her back than a paraplegic. She parlayed that into an acting role, if you want to call it that, on the hit Sux TV Network series "Chip Nayle, Office Lackey."

Bold, brash, trashy. Candy Slutstack in a nutshell. Next time on Lifestyles of the Stupidly Rich & Undeservedly Famous.