I’d like to thank the assembled media.
For some time we’ve been searching for intelligent life elsewhere in the galaxy.
Today we can announce that a planet has been detected within the habitable zone, seventy three light years away.
Spectrographic analysis shows a breathable atmosphere and liquid water.
Additionally, without precedent, our deep space probes have intercepted radio and other transmissions.
These suggest that the inhabitants are a warlike species involved in global conflict.
We have determined that their leader is called ‘Fuhrer’, and they call their world ‘Earth.’
There is mass destruction of life.
First contact protocols are abrogated.