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If I ran the world, every baby would be punted off an African cliffside, like in Lion King.

Instead of having babies, humans would spawn like mushrooms, developing oozy, curly tendrils that would break off as fully-formed miniature humans. Anything would be less disgusting than babies.

Yesterday a lady made me hold her baby and it threw up everywhere. The smell still follows me.

Someday I’ll run for president and I swear, my first law will be to outlaw babies.

My second law will be to give my fellow blankies civil rights. You gotta take care of your community.

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