Christmas do-do...

Each year, on Christmas Eve, Santa circumnavigates the world dropping off presents to good children. Almost everywhere he stops, after a chimney descent, it's a glass of sherry and mince pie. As his sleigh lightens, so Santa gets heavier. Poor old Rudolph and co, all they get are carrots; well, someone's got to stay sober.

Santa's work is pretty tough, but he does get the perks. Not so for Mrs C. Imagine her lot. She's cooked a lovely turkey dinner when this fat, drunken old bastard rushes past, soot everywhere, to spend the rest of the day on the bog.