1-800-HELP

To Your Highness, the Empress of the United States of Africa:

Dear Madam,

I know you are a very busy woman so allow me to be brief. I am the chief representative of the First World Countries Alliance. I am following up on the matter of you opening your borders to the desperate citizens of our countries.

The Iceage has well and truly begun in our part of the world. We are in dire need of your help. Please get back to us at your earliest convenience. Time is of the essence. My number again is one eight hundred help.