I’m small. I know that. Do I care? Well, I did at first. It makes you feel inferior in most situations. But there are perks to being so slightly built. I can squeeze into gaps that most of you would never even contemplate getting into. I can find a seat on the Tube while you lot are being jostled about, sniffing each other’s armpits. And the best thing is that, if you piss me off, I can crap in your food without you even realising. Plus, how many of you can say that Jeff Goldblum played you in a film?